QUESTION: My partner expects blowjobs whenever he helps around the house. I don’t know what to do because this behavior is really off-putting. Am I wrong?

What transactional sex actually is.

Transactional sex is when one party uses either actual money or an action as a form of currency. Essentially, sex is transactional if you're trading something to get sex. An example of this might be when a partner gives away sexual acts in exchange for their partner helping with domestic tasks - such as loading the dishwasher. 

Transactions can also go the other way - wherein a partner who helps with domestic tasks expects sexual favors in return for their "good behavior."

The skinny on transactional sex.

Transactional sex works when one party is a sex worker and is being paid for a service. This is the sex worker's job and in these cases, sure there is nothing too deep about that. 

When we run into problems is when couples start using sex as a transaction. When we do this, we're treating sex as a commodity, not a shared interaction between couples that is mutually beneficial. There is a lot wrong with this - particularly that if sex is treated like a transaction, the partner giving away sex as a reward will almost certainly become resentful and this will impact their desire for their partner. 

You really run the risk of all sex becoming transactional, which will likely lead to sex being taken off the table at some point. It becomes something you HAVE to do rather than something you WANT to do.

Why whole “expecting sex as a reward" is so prevalent in some LTRs.

This happens most commonly in cis-het relationships. In my time as a sex educator, I haven't seen this kind of dynamic in a queer relationship. Can this happen? Surely yes, but it definitely isn't as common. Sex being expected as a reward has its roots in two main things: The division of household labour in cis-het couples and the kinds of sex these couples are having. 

Women take on the lion's share of domestic duties in the home - a recent study showed it be over 60% in 2022. When this happens, cis-women can begin using sex as a form of reward in order to get their male partners to take on some of the domestic duties. This has a lot of negative implications. In this instance we're essentially becoming our partner's mothers - treating them like man-children who nee a treat in order to pull their weight. Unfortunately, this is very common. 

The other big reason sex becomes a reward is because of the sex cis-women are having. Frequently, the sex cis-women are having is not bringing them orgasms. We're still under the belief in society that PIV sex is the only kind of "real sex." Cis-female people get the vast majority of orgasms from external clitoral stimulation. We're conditioned to be givers and to subjugate our pleasure to that of our male partners. We don't ask for what we want - and therefore, the sex we're having is not very good. This makes us not want the sex that's on offer. What is sex used for in this situation? A way to get something we want - aka: The household chores and domestic duties.

What to do if your partner wants sex as a reward.

If your partner demands sex as a reward, I am pretty sure there is a lot going on in that relationship dynamic beyond this interaction. There is a clearly a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding of what partnership looks like. Partners should be sharing domestic duties. Your partner is not a "good boy" for helping with chores and domestic labor. 

It's not YOUR job to be handling everything yourself. You don't deserve a treat for being an equal partner in a relationship. You absolutely do not have to give your partner sex as a reward for pulling their weight. I would advise against agreeing to this dynamic as it will surely leave you miserable and resentful.

Here are some things to really commit to memory.

Don’t give your partner  reward for doing their part to take care of your shared family. 

Sex is not a transaction between partners so you really shouldn’t be putting that on the table as a treat. When you have sex, it's about intimacy and connection. If your partner really feel like sex should be a reward, it’s probably time to talk about the kinds of sex you’re having. It’s a RED flag.

Asking you to be an equal partner who splits the household duties doesn't mean you get sexual favors in return - because that isn't how partnerships work. 

I'd suggest going into couples therapy if this situation presents itself. Because it tells me that the couples has poor communication, a poor understanding of what partners look like in a relationship, and a very poor sex life. 

Couples who have a great sex life and good communication don't use sex as a transaction for good behavior. Sex is about building a connection with your partner, not tuning our and thinking of England so they do the bare minimum of their adult duties.

XOXO GIGI

Part of this blog post originally appeared as an interview with Scary Mommy.