Who Says Sex Can’t Get Better With Age?
QUESTION: I’m in my late 50s and I want to be having better sex. Any tips on how to get after it? Because I’m feeling like .. maybe I shouldn’t want this anymore? But I DO want it. Help!
Who says sex can’t get better after 50? We should all be over the socially prescribed notion that just because you’re older, your sex life ends. This isn’t true.
Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a psychologist and sex therapist based in Los Angeles and the host of the Sexology podcast, told me in an email that, “Any person who would like to have a fulfilling sexual life can have one, regardless of their age or circumstances. Your sex life doesn’t have an expiration date.”
Plus, sex is genuinely healthy for you! Studies have shown that there is a correlation between the frequency of sex and heart health in people of all genders. But we do have to consider age when maintaining a healthy sex life.
The body goes through natural changes after the age of 50. For people assigned female at birth, also known as AFAB people, post-menopausal life can dramatically impact sexual wellness. While people assigned male at birth (AMAB) don’t go through menopause, there are still many changes that occur after turning 50. While these changes can be distressing, they are a part of life and can be managed to maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life.
There are also significant mental health changes that can come as a result of aging, hormone changes, and physical changes. Everything is interconnected, and knowing some of the ways our sexuality can be impacted by these age-related changes is crucial to sussing out the best way forward for your sexuality.
The body changes after 50.
Let’s break down how aging impacts the body when it comes to sexual function. These changes don’t have to interrupt your sex life, but they may require certain adjustments. Bailey Hanek, Psy.D., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and consultant for the Between Us Clinic, explains that there is a significant drop in estrogen for AFAB people, which greatly impacts libido and physical arousal.
Additionally, “everyone across the spectrum of biological sex experiences a decrease in blood flow to the genitals with age,” Hanek says. “For most people, this means that physical arousal and orgasm is more difficult and takes longer to achieve.”
For AMAB people, this can mean less reliable erections. They can have trouble getting or sustaining erections, or experience delayed ejaculation. Overall, erectile strength decreases with age.
For AFAB people, “the vaginal tissue gets drier and thinner (from low estrogen levels), which can lead to painful sexual penetration,” explains Kimberly Langdon, M.D., an OB/GYN specializing in menopause. This can also result in pain of the vulva, known as vulvodynia.
Mental health totally has an impact - and we should understand that reality.
If we don’t take time to address the impact of aging on our overall wellness, we can wind up in a downward mental spiral. “Many people develop worry or anxiety around sexual performance due to the changes in their bodies and reactions of their genitals as they age,” Hanek explains. “Performance anxiety can create anticipatory anxiety, which negatively impacts interest and arousal.”
Our desire for sex can vary greatly. For both AMAB and AFAB people, “libido can decrease,” Langdon says. “In other cases, [AFAB people] may have a heightened libido since the fear of becoming pregnant is gone.”
Perimenopausal and postmenopausal women may experience hot flashes, anxiety, and other varying symptoms that can lead to a decline in desire for sex.
Additionally, aging can have a big impact on how we feel as sexual people. For instance, Langdon tells us that negative body image can impact self-esteem and, as a result, lower your sex drive.
How to have great sex after 50.
1. Take your time.
Because physical arousal and orgasm can take longer to achieve post-50, it’s important to take your time during sex. “You may need more foreplay to get started, or you may need to plan your sexual encounters to include positions that feel good to you,” Moali says.
2. Take the pressure off of erections.
Because performance anxiety is such a complex issue, taking erections off the table for AMAB people can truly change the game. When we don’t rely on penises staying hard to have a fulfilling sexual experience, we can have a lot more good sexual experiences. Engage with toys, oral sex, hand sex, and other activities that bring pleasure without such a strict idea of what “sex” is.
3. Use a TON of lube.
Vaginas and vulvas get drier as estrogen levels drop. This can lead to pain, discomfort, and lower libido. Now is the time to get very familiar with lube. Use it every single time you have sex of any kind. Be generous. The more the better. Check out our full guide to lube to learn more.
Additionally, using an oil-based lubricant on the vulva after you shower each day can help to moisturize the vulva and vagina, keeping them better protected from dryness. We recommend coconut oil for all-over moisture.
4. Exercise.
It’s important to exercise regularly and to engage with your sexuality regularly. The two impact each other significantly. “Our physical strength/conditioning and our sexual responses both adhere to the ‘Use it or lose it’ principle,” Hanek explains. “The more you have sex and the more you exercise, the easier and more beneficial those activities become.”
5. Communicate.
As you’re rediscovering who you are as a sexual being later in life, you need to be open and honest with your partner(s) on this shared journey. “Your partner needs to be aware of the changes in your body and your mental well-being in order to help you continue experiencing pleasure. Speaking up is key,” Moali tells us. “And it is helpful for you to provide them with specific feedback on how they can support you with building arousal and maximizing pleasure.”
6. Get experimental.
Additionally, incorporating new things into your sex life might be the solution for bringing back the excitement. Nothing kills sex drive like falling into a boring routine.
“Menopause is an ideal time to try out the fantasies you’ve had in the back of your head your whole life,” Moali suggests. “Try ordering some erotica, experimenting with sexual power exchange in the form of BDSM, or even opening up your relationship.” It’s time to get curious together.
Never stop being curious.
Aging doesn’t need to be a deficit. It can be viewed as an opportunity to get to know your partner in a new way, at a new point in life. “You need to get past the conventional wisdom that sexuality somehow ends as soon as you hit a certain age,” Moali says.
If you can stay open to trying new things and slowing sex down to a more leisurely pace, you can begin to create an enriching and satisfying sexual connection in a way that feels right for you.
XOXO GIGI
This blog post originally appeared on TheBody.