Is It Ever OK To Date Your Ex’s Friend?
QUESTION: I’m really into my ex’s friend. He’s also into me. We want to start dating, but he’s worried his friend (my ex) will be mad. What should we do? Is this even worth it?
There are so many “rules” in life and friendships and relationship. So is it appropriate to date your ex’s friend?
This is highly subjective and will very much depend on the friendship in question - and the potential relationship between you and the friend. A lot of factors come into play here: Are the two of them really close friends? Is the ex OK with you dating their friend - have you asked how they might feel about it? Do you care if they're upset about it? How long since your - does your ex still have feelings for you? If yes, does that matter to you?
These are questions to consider before you make the move to begin dating someone who is really close friends with your ex. People tend to have pretty strong opinions about it.
It's not cut and dry "inappropriate" to date an ex's friend. We all have exes and relationships end in a host of different ways. If you really want to pursue your e's friend and you decide it is the right decision for both of you, hopefully your ex will want you to be happy and not stand in your way. An emotionally mature person isn't going to have a fit because you're dating someone they're friends with - just because you used to date each other.
The needs to consider.
1. Your needs: Why do you want to pursue this relationship? What is motivating you? What do you like about this other person? What would you want to get out of this relationship?
2. In terms of your ex's needs: What do they feel about it? If they become upset, why are they upset and why do they have an issue with it? It's important for them to understand that it actually isn't up to them - you are no longer beholden to your ex and you don't have to make decisions based on what they want. They will need to decide if they still want to maintain a friendship with their friend who is dating you, but that's their battle.
3. In terms of your new boo's needs: How important is their friendship? What would they if their friend told them they didn't want you to date their ex - would you be OK with that? Would THEY be OK with that? Are you both prepared to deal with the possible social consequences of this courtship?
OK, so do you inform your ex? Yes or no?
I would suggest having an honest and open conversation with your ex - or have it together with the new partner - before pursuing a relationship with their friend. You don't need to ask for permission, but it would be beneficial to at least let them know what is going on, that they mean a lot to you, and you're bringing them this information because you have respect for them.
The types of boundaries to implement when it comes to dating your ex’s friend.
You and your new partner will need to decide what the boundaries are. They could look anything like "not talking about your ex" when you're together, "not talking about your previous sex life," to even "not seeing the ex at all." What works for the two of you is totally OK as long as everyone is comfortable with the established boundaries. If you feel pressured or coerced in anyway, that is not OK and a big red flag.
Is dating your ex's friend worth it?
In certain contexts, yes it might be totally worth it. If this is someone you really care about and see yourself with - and they feel the same - a past relationship should not be the thing that stops you. You have to ask yourselves if you're willing to do the work and face the social repercussions of putting this into action.
If you both want to be together, you can make it work. The dust will settle and any ruffled feathers are sure to calm down after some time has passed. I would never suggest compromising your happiness simply because you think dating your ex's friend is inappropriate. Sure, there are a lot of factors that go into this and it won't be the best choice in a lot of circumstances, but it certainly CAN be.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog post was originally an interview with Lifehacker.