Question: There seems to have been an explosion of sexual experimentation during the pandemic. Are more people trying Kink and BDSM?

The rise of kink during the pandemic has been fabulous. I've been very pleased with the experimentation many women, AFAB, and queer people have been engaging in. Especially around kink and BDSM.

Kink has powerful effects on anxiety and stress. 

Even the act of learning about BDSM can be a form of foreplay and stress release - and it’ll give you something to do on those particularly dull and frustrating pandemic nights. We’re all a bit on edge right now and being able to find ways to incorporate fun and interesting new sex into our lives is one of the few positive outcomes of the pandemic. 

When you’re under a lot of pressure, your body begins to ooze cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. When cortisol levels go up, libido goes down. High cortisol can even hinder your ability to experience orgasm.  You may also experience trouble lubricating and a feeling of sluggishness. 

Stress turns off your brain’s proclivity to form sexual desire. Your body is in distress, and therefore it shuts down. Your brain tells your body: We are in distress. Now is not the time to try and procreate. Your body increases heart rate and other bodily functions that will help you escape, while turning of those considered by nature to be nonessential (aka: Horniness).

Kink - for those who enjoy it - helps the brain release "feel good" brain chemicals like dopamine (our reward chemical) and oxytocin (a hormone that aids in relaxation, anxiety relief, and pair bonding with partners.

“Subspace” can set us free.

People in the BDSM community will often say they understand consent the best because we regularly talk about it, and this is definitely true. But what's also true is that, during BDSM, you're in a heightened erotic state called the “subspace,” which can possibly blur lines. For instance, a Dom I know had a submissive who had agreed that there would be no penetrative sex, but when she was in a subspace, she was so lost in this transcendental state that she wanted to have sex—and he had to put up the boundary to stop the play in its tracks (ie. used their safeword). 

Subspace is a state of transcendence that many subs go into during BDSM play. Through some combination of sensory deprivation (blindfolds, ball gags, restraints), and pain play (whipping, paddling etc.), the mind releases you into different mental plane. Many have described it as “floating on a cloud” or “a state of total peace”—sort of like the peak of orgasm. For many people who enjoy the role of sub, it's the primary reason that they engage in the play. It's understood as a warm, fuzzy, relaxed state. It has huge implications for stress.

And domination can offer freedom, too.

For those who enjoy domination, there can be a release of dopamine, adrenaline, and other feel-good chemicals that can allow the person to release stress through bondage and impact play. You can really think of kink and BDSM as any fun, exercise-like activity - it promotes mental well-being for those who find joy in it.

Now is a good time to experiment and try new things. I highly encourage couples and singles to stay connected and invest in their sex lives right now. Get some sex toys, try that thing you've been wanting to give a go, and just have fun with it.  Orgasms are one of the few lovely things we're allowed to have right now. Don't be afraid to get experimental. We need to make the best of things and that includes sex. 

Pleasure is a bit of the silver rope (lining), so to speak.

XOXO GIGI

This article originally appeared as an interview with InStyle.

Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.