Do You Self-Sabotage Your Relationships?
Question: Self-sabotage is incredibly common and I don’t know how to break the cycle. I can’t seem to stop ruining every good thing that comes my way. SOS!
What can self sabotaging in a relationship look like?
Self sabotage can take on a lot of different shades - from purposely distancing yourself from someone who wants to become closer to you, to protest behaviors (like starting fights, creating problems where there are none), cheating on partners you care about, to overthinking and writing scripts for your partner (attempting to mind read), when they didn't actually do or say the thing you've convinced yourself they've done or said.
Why we self-sabotage.
We self-sabotage for many reasons. The most common is a lack of self-worth or feeling undeserving of kindness and love. Sometimes when we have something really great and truly believe we don't deserve it, we do things in order to prove ourselves right. We may set impossible standards of our partners and then when they fail to meet them, we think 'HA! I knew it all along.'
Self-sabotaging behaviors are also closely linked to attachment style. Insecurely attached people (Anxious Attached, Anxious Ambivalent, or Avoidant attachment) are more likely to push partners away or do things in order to sabotage themselves and their relationships. Attachment style is rooted both in the ways we bonded with our primary caregivers as children and the types of relationships we have as adults - both impact how we behave in relationships and how we choose partners.
An alarming amount of people feel like they can relate to the idea of constantly self sabotaging relationships - Why is it so common?
It's a form of coping and the truth is, a lot of people are not securely attached people. And lots and lots of people suffer from mental health struggles like anxiety and depression. Self sabotage is very common - and it's so common because it is a lot easier to act out and destroy a relationship when it hits struggles or you don't feel your needs are being met than to actually be vulnerable and start to work on the issues at hand. We're terrified of being vulnerable in most situations, and this is especially true when it comes to intimate partnerships.
Mental health and therapy are only now coming into fashion as being something we should all be encouraged to do. Most people are taught they have to 'fend for themselves' and push their emotions away. The issue is, when you push your emotions away they don't actually go away. They come back and bite you in the form of self sabotaging behaviors because there are wounds there that have not been addressed and dealt with.
How to stop self-sabotaging your life.
The good news is, attachment wounds can be healed through therapy and self-reflection. Breaking the cycles and stopping self-sabotaging behaviors take actually understanding that there is a problem and being willing to face it, process it, and ultimately work yourself enough to feel secure enough where protest behaviors (self-sabotaging behaviors) stop being the primary way in which we cope with stressors in relationships.
XOXO Gigi
A version of this article originally appeared on The Face.
Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.