Here’s why you’re always horny.
Question: I feel like I’m incredibly, over-the-top horny all the time. As a woman, this feels like there’s something wrong with me. My partner has suggested I might be hypersexual? What do I do?
Let’s be clear: Being horny us not a bad thing. Having a libido can: Aide in relationship satisfaction, create curiosity and excitement, and foster closeness with your partner.
If you’ve been feeling extra randy lately, there may be some social, biological, and psychological elements contributing to this state of (almost constant) horniness.
Now, before we do a deep dive into the factors that might be contributing to a high libido, we should first point out that libido can fluctuate greatly throughout your life and circumstances. There really is no “normal” when it comes to libido. Our society tends to demonize women and AFAB people who have higher sex drives - but of course, if you’ve been following this my writing, you know calling it a ‘drive’ is a misnomer. Women who enjoy sex are regularly painted as “hypersexual” or “nymphomaniacs” – their sexuality demonized for being higher than their (usually cis-male) partner. This is damaging and needs to stop. The sooner we embrace the horn, the better.
So, let’s break down how libido works — and some of the factors that may be at play for you.
Knowing how libido functions can help explain why it might be high.
Libido is, in a word, complicated. Libido is born out of a complex mix of biological, psychological, and social factors. This is known as the bio-psycho-social model of human sexuality. We need to understand this because it can shape the ways we see ourselves, our sexuality, and our relationships. It just isn’t as simple as “low libido” and ‘Low libido.” There is a lot at play that we need to parse out.
The ways in which we view our high desire for sex has a lot to do with our beliefs about sex and our core values. If you want a lot of sexual connection — and so does your partner, that situation can work out quite nicely. On the flip side, if we have negative views of our high sexual desires, it may cause us to believe there is something wrong with us. This can be highly damaging to self-esteem.
Libido is only ‘too high’ if it’s negatively impacting your life. There is no way to define the term “too horny.” There is no data that shows “this is the right amount of horniness.” It’s all subjective. With that being said, being super on the horn all the time does cause some people to experience detriments in their lives.
Basically, if being horny is making it impossible for you to do your job, concentrate on anything else, or keeping you from engaging with friends and family, it might be an issue worth exploring. Keep in mind that this isn’t the case for the vast majority of high libido people. Most people with a high sex drive are perfectly capable of going about their normal lives – only with a more robust sex life (either partnered or solo).
And look, out of control sexual behaviors can and do happen — but they are highly treatable with a skilled practitioner who knows how to work with individuals in a non-pathologizing way, focusing on nervous system regulation, rather than shame-based models like 12-step programs, which are not the evidence-based way to treat this issue.
Is being horny all the time normal?
The beautiful thing about the human condition is that there is no “normal.” What is normal for you is entirely subjective and will depend on your own mental state and experiences. Having a high libido can feel stressful – especially if your partner has a lower libido than yours, but that does not mean that there is anything wrong with having a high libido.
We need to stay away from terms like “hypersexual,” “nymphomaniac,” and “sex addict.”
These terms aren’t just unhelpful, they are actively harmful. When we paint others or ourselves with pathologizing labels like “hypersexual” or “sex addict,” we are immediately cast into the realm of shame and dysfunction. Sex addiction is not a term recognized by either the DSM or the ICD, the US and UK’s diagnostic manuals respectively. The evidence is simply not there to support this as a diagnosis.
And I’d be remiss not to mention that “hypersexual” is often a term used to code women with high libidos as problematic and “broken.” – even when their desire for sex is well within a normal range. Calling women, femmes, and AFAB folx “hypsexual” (or worse, nymphomaniacs) further perpetuates the pervasive and wholly incorrect idea that men or AMAB people “want sex” more than women and AFAB people do. This just isn’t accurate at all.
Rehashing this myth only further shames and pathologizes people – including men and AMAB people. Because if you’re a man or AMAB person and you don’t have a raging boner literally all the time; if you don’t feel absolutely insatiable for sex, you’re also labeled as “weird” or “broken.”
When we use such limiting and gender-coded definitions of “normal” libido, everyone loses.
12 factors that may be contributing to your high libido.
Here are 12 factors that can contribute to higher libido, based on the bio-psycho-social model of human sexuality.
Psychological Factors
A heightened awareness of sexual cues.
You might simply be someone whose brain interprets sexual cues more sensitively. Meaning, you see certain things (or experience them) and your brain receives these messages as sexually charged.
Anxiety or depression.
While having anxiety or depression often leads to a lowered libido, it doesn’t always. For some, dealing with mental health problems can actually heighten sexual urges. The reasons for this are largely unknown, but it is likely connected to a longing for connection and intimacy.
Relationship quality.
When we’re in good relationships where we feel both safe and able to explore our sexuality, we build a context to foster desire. This sense of stability with our partner(s), combined with a context of maintaining playfulness, puts us in a better position to want to explore sexually. Our nervous systems are in a state of calm, but our reward hormones (like dopamine) are still going strong.
Social Factors
Frequent masturbation.
As I’ve mentioned, sex drive is actually not a drive. Our desire for sexual stimulation is built out of a reward system. Research has shown that the more we engage with sexual touch, the more we want it. So, if you’re masturbating (or having a lot of sex), you’re likely to want more of it. This is completely normal.
Situational factors.
Our desire is largely built out of context. So, the situation you’re in can really impact libido.
New relationships: new relationships are often laden with intense emotions and neurochemicals that can lead to increased libido.
Frequent erotically charged situations: When we’re constantly in sexually engaging contexts, libido tends to spike.
Being around people you find stimulating: When we’re around people we find sexy (either physically or psychologically), this can jumpstart sexual desire.
Biological Factors
Hormones.
Hormones are one of the cornerstones of what drives libido. Testostorone and estrogen levels play a big part in this.
Pregnancy.
During pregnancy, estrogen increases, which may lead to higher sex drive. With pregnancy, women and AFAB folx may also experience an increase in clitoral sensitivity and increased vaginal lubrication.
Diet.
While the science is far from rock solid, some foods are considered ‘aphrodisiacs,’ or libido-enhancing. Think: Dark chocolate, oysters, nuts etc. Even if they don’t ~technically~ work (the science just isn’t that sound), the effect can still happen if you believe it will. You know, the good old placebo effect.
Alcohol use.
Alcohol may increase sex drive because when we drink, our inhibitions are lowered. When we’re feeling bolder and less self-conscious we’re more likely to seek out sex. With that being said, alcohol has been shown to decrease genital responsiveness so even if your inhibitions are lowered, you’re less likely to orgasm. Whiskey dick isn’t just colloquial, folx! It really happens.
Your menstrual cycle.
People with vulvas often report being hornier during different points in their cycles. This is due to the time of the month — as well as the ovulation period. During ovulation, we’re hornier because of hormone changes that push us towards fertilization. Science is wild.
How to deal with extreme horniness.
Get yourself off (or have sex).
Look, if you’re feeling super horny – go rub one out. There is nothing wrong with self-pleasure. it can take the edge off your intense feelings of randiness.
Find new sexual outlets.
If we’re randy, we can always find alternative ways to engage sexually. Try phone sex, sexting, or even virtual video sex.
Practice mindfulness.
When we’re mindful, we can remove some of that energetic, distracting buzz that comes with horniness, in order to lower the intensity of the feelings. This can help us feel more grounded in our bodies.
Exercise.
Exercise is an amazing way to release energy and dissipate feelings of intense horniness. Exercise helps to release dopamine and oxytocin, both of which are central in sexual release. Getting a workout in can leave you feeling (almost) as euphoric as an orgasm.
The takeaway here is that having a high libido is entirely normal. There are some instances where our sexual behaviors may start to feel out of control, but if this does happen – it is manageable.
Many of our feelings about “being too horny” are based in shame-based, sex-negative dialogue about “normal sexual desire.” It can be very empowering to embrace our libidos, take responsibility for our own sexual fulfillment, and find ways to feel happy, nourished, and satisfied (both emotionally and sexually).
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog originally appeared on COSMO.