Why Aftercare Should Be a Part of Sex
QUESTION: What is aftercare and why do we need it?
When we get into intense erotic states, our brains are flooded with a ton of neurochemicals like adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. Desire is a complex biological and psychological state. As such, when we reach climax (or the end of the sexual experience), we need to be sure we get back to a healthy and relaxed mental state. Simply throwing your clothes on and going about your day without so much as a “Thanks for the good times, pal” doesn’t work for most people.
This is why aftercare is such a crucial component of sexual play. Aftercare is the post-sex activity (or activities) that allows us to feel safe, settled, and good after sex. While aftercare has usually been associated with the kink community, it has benefits in all forms of sex.
Aftercare has its place in all forms of sex. It is time everyone embraced aftercare as a part of sex because whether you’re having a one-night stand or are in a long-term relationship, everyone deserves to leave sex feeling positive and good about themselves.
Here is everything you should know about aftercare and how to create a plan that works for you and your partner(s).
What Is Sexual Aftercare?
Aftercare is the ways we nurture and care for ourselves and our partners after sexual play finishes. While aftercare is (slowly) making its way into all forms of sex, it has typically been associated with the BDSM community, which prides itself on consent and thorough negotiation.
In the kink community, aftercare is a set of actions and activities consensually agreed upon before sex (or the scene) begins. It is a post-sex plan of action to ensure that everyone involved in the play feels safe and well taken care of. It ensures respect and kindness for the people we play with, regardless of how serious or casual the relationship may be.
Aftercare is as unique as the sexual experience itself. It can include talking, cuddling, comparing notes on the experience, having a snack, watching a show, playing with your partner’s hair, going off to have a breather alone, or taking a shower alone or together. There is no limit to the menu of activities you have to choose from. It needs to be something you find comforting and restful.
The way aftercare plays out is completely subjective and will depend on the needs and desires of everyone involved in the play.
Aftercare is really about caring for the emotional well-being of the people you play with. It’s about asking your partner how they’re feeling and making sure they feel comfortable and cared for. Maybe they want a little cuddle, a back scratch, or a nice cup of tea. Ask them what you can do to make them feel safe and you should do the same.
Why Aftercare Matters
Aftercare is important because when you’re having an intense sexual experience, you’re in a very heightened state of consciousness. Erotic charge is very powerful and can do a number on your emotional state.
Because of this overstimulation, it is important to consider the ways you’re going to bring yourself and your partner back down into a state of calm once play concludes. A lot of us don’t consider the aftermath when we’re engaging in sex, but failing to do so can lead to sub-par experiences.
The way we’re treated after an experience can impact how we view the experience as a whole. Having sex and then being kicked out of someone’s apartment the minute it ends is not going to make you feel very good. No one deserves to feel this way.
Creating an Aftercare Plan That Caters to Your Needs
Knowing what you need when it comes to aftercare is a part of understanding yourself as a sexual being. This means considering what your needs are post-sex, not just during sex.
Ask yourself these questions.
What did my last great sexual experience look like?
What do I want right after sex that I’ve been afraid to ask for?
What would make me feel safe and cared for after sex?
It doesn’t matter if you met your partner on an app 30 minutes ago, you still deserve to get the aftercare you need. If a person refuses to meet your aftercare needs, you may want to reconsider whether this is someone you feel safe enough to play with.
It’s important to consider where your aftercare needs intersect and where they differ. This requires open and honest communication with your partner.
While directly asking how your partner is feeling is very important, Aftercare an also mean taking a few minutes to decompress before verbally checking in after sex. The act of simply being present with someone can be very healing and powerful. Then, you can ask them how the experience was for them once you’ve both calmed down a bit.
Lastly, aftercare isn’t always about the “right here, right now.” It can often extend into the next day. It’s always lovely to send a nice “check in” text to see if your partner is doing alright and if they need anything from you to feel supported.
What all this juicy stuff boils down to is caring for the welfare of someone who shared an experience with you. We’re all just humans trying to find joy, pleasure, and comfort with the people we engage with. Every person we have sex with has a right to a good experience—and this includes emotional safety, too.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog originally appeared on TheBody.