Is Watching Porn Cheating?

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QUESTION: I watch porn and it upsets my partner. She says it’s cheating. Is it?

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Is watching porn cheating?

It’s time to stop saying that porn is detrimental to our sex lives and that watching it is going to ruin your relationship. This myth is tired. It’s old. It’s just time to stop. 

We’re hyper-focused on demonizing anything sexual in this society. Adult entertainment is fun to watch. It is created to excite and amuse. It is stimulating and enjoyable. Let’s stop with all the shaming already. Cheating is betrayal. Cheating is physically having sexual contact with another person(s). It is deception. Cheating is not watching a movie and getting yourself off. The whole concept is really detrimental to a couple's well-being.

We should all be masturbating. Masturbation is healthy. Countless studies have proven that masturbation is good for you, whether or not you’re in a committed relationship. It plays a vital role in healthy sexual development. Porn is an add-on to masturbation. It helps to fuel our fantasies. 

We have to stop thinking of porn as this trashy, evil thing we must demonize and destroy. Porn is entertainment. It is a movie. It’s designed to be fun to watch. 

Much like any other movie, porn is a hyper-dramatized version of real life. Think of a movie you love; think of Love Actually, for instance. It is a dramatized cinematic depiction of people falling in love. Some storylines are believable and others are less so. But, they are all pretend. 

Porn is the exact same way. Porn is not a representation of real sex. In most cases, it is not like real sex at all. Just as you do not replace real romantic relationships with romantic comedies, so do you not replace porn movies with real sex. 

Is fantasizing about other people considered cheating?

A person might consider this cheating, but I'd suggest they do work on themselves around this because expecting someone not to have fantasies is going to leave you incredibly disappointed. People fantasize, we have wild and intense imaginations. Fantasy is a normal and healthy part of sexuality. If someone does consider this cheating, they should start to look inward and question why they feel such intense insecurity about someone's sexual imagination. What are they worried about, really? It is often born from a deeply felt fear of abandonment. "If my partner has fantasies they aren't into me enough and therefore they're going to leave me." This isn't about your partner's fantasies, really. It's about your own stuff and that needs to be addressed and worked through. It doesn't matter who you're fantasizing about there.

There is no "better" person. Yes, there is a degree of separation with someone in a porn movie or a movie star, but it's all still in the realm of imagination. Remember that you don't have to share every single fantasy with your partner when you have them. Sharing a fantasy should come from a place of erotic communication and it should positively serve the relationship. If sharing is going to upset your partner, you have every right to keep it to yourself. Unlike most popular advice out there, you do not owe your partner 100 percent honesty on every single thought you have.

How do you decide with a partner what is considered cheating and what is not?

This is completely subjective and will depend on each partner's preferences and interpersonal communication within the couple/partnership. Only you get to decide what the boundaries are inside of a relationship. As long as everyone agrees on what the boundaries are, that's manageable. But there should also be communication on the ability for boundaries to change. We aren't the same throughout our sexual lives and our boundaries may shift and our comfort levels may change.

We need to be willing to be brave and explore what our sexuality means to us throughout our lives. We aren't stagnant. What counts as cheating in one stage of your life may not feel like cheating at all in another. For example, maybe you consider flirting cheating. Maybe you see your partner flirting with someone (or imagine it in a fantasy) and find that it turns you on. Maybe you decide to allow the flirting for the erotic charge.

Did you know porn is not an entirely solo activity? You can watch porn with your partner. If you’re so concerned over their desire to watch porn, join in. If you think porn is gross, well, you probably haven’t been watching the right porn. Yes, the stuff you find on RedTube and PornHub are kind of gnarly. It mostly consists of girls getting double-teamed and questionable consent is rife in the scripts. Take time to masturbate together. Mutual masturbation is super hot and is a great way to connect when you’re both tired and want an alternative, less intense form of sexual activity. Watching your partner get themselves off is very sexy if you let it be.

XOXO GIGI

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