Everything You Should Know About ‘Unicorns’ in Threesomes
Question: My partner and I want to bring in a third person to the bedroom, but aren’t where to begin. What do we need to know?
What even is a unicorn?
A unicorn is a third person who comes into a threesome. This term usually refers to a cis-female, bisexual person, but it applies to queer people and all relationships, too. A unicorn is the outside person entering into the couple’s domain in order to experience a threesome.
The term is controversial, but some people may adore the term. And, still, others really do not like it. It does not work for everyone.
Whether you love it or hate it, the important thing is that you treat someone like a human being deserving of sexual fulfillment and respect rather than as a sex doll who you can use and then toss out like garbage once you and/or your partner orgasm.
The appeal of being a unicorn (for people who love it).
A unicorn experience can be a really fun and emotionally safe way to have a threesome. You're coming into a couple that is already established, meaning you're just there to have some fun. This is appealing because sometimes you want to have a sexual experience without all the emotional messiness that comes with dating. Now, with that being said, these situations do still have the potential to get messy so it's important that all parties involved are voicing their needs and concerns openly so that everyone can have the best experience possible. We all deserve to have our boundaries respected and our needs met.
The appeal of having threesomes.
Threesomes are an exciting way to explore sexually together. They give you an opportunity to try something new, with someone new. This can be very exciting. It can even increase the desire you have for your partner, post-threesome because people crave novelty and excitement. It can get the NRE flowing again.
Why the term unicorn is considered controversial.
The negative connotations come out of 'assumed couple privilege.' This is when a couple doesn't really have respect or care for the person having the threesome with them. They treat them like a plaything rather than a human. This is absolutely not OK. What we need to understand is the unicorn is here to have fun just like you are. They are a guest, not someone you can use and then toss away. All people need to be treated with respect. if you don't think you can handle that level of care and intimacy, you are not ready for a threesome.
How to find a unicorn.
While some threesomes can be spontaneous after a night out, most are found via dating apps. And there are ones specifically designed for people looking for alternative relationship-styles and hookups: Check out the apps like Feeld, 3Fun, #Open, and more. When it comes to drawing up a profile, be open and honest about what you’re looking for. If you’re in a couple, write it together, being clear about what you’re looking to get out of the experience. When it comes to sex, you do not want to be sketchy or cagey about what you’re after. Be truthful and you’ll be rewarded.
5 tips for couples looking to engage a third person for a "healthy" unicorn relationship.
1. Get to the roots of your desire for a threesome.
Figure out why you want to do this in the first place. Often what we fantasize about is NOT the same IRL. And y’all have to be prepared for that.
2. Get clear about what you want.
Many couples looking to find a third are heterosexual. And this can be a problem. Figure out what you want and don’t want before heading into this, because otherwise you’re going to find yourself in a sticky situation (and not in a good way).
3. Communicate and understand your boundaries, but be flexible and willing to negotiate.
It’s OK to have boundaries. We all need those, right? But these should be flexible to a certain extent.Be sure to be open to your unicorns boundaries -- as well as your own -- and this is the same for your desires during the threesome. It’s OK for couples to make their intentions and desires clear, but never pressure a third to play. Consent and mindfulness of boundaries must be a constant at every turn. And some of this means being able to take feedback.
4. Be respectful.
Having a threesome that is ethically sound involves everyone having an equal say in what happens (or doesn’t happen) during the threesome. Everyone’s pleasure should be of equal priority. You third should be treated like a valued guest. This means you need to be respectful and kind.
5. Have a plan for aftercare.
Aftercare is important for all parties involved. Aftercare is when all parties convene and calm down after an intense sexual experience. This will look different for everyone, but it’s important that everyone feels safe, happy and secure once the sex has ended.
If you want to be extra classy, order your third an Uber home after playtime, and walk them to the car.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog originally appeared as an interview with Well+Good.