Have you lost your New Relationship Energy or have you fallen out of love? Here’s what you should know.
Question: I feel like my relationship with my partner isn’t as passionate as it was in the beginning. I’m wondering if it’s normal to feel this way … or if maybe it means I’m not in love anymore. Thoughts?
The concept of NRE is a staple in CNM relationships, but everyone should understand it.
NRE is a staple in the polyamorous community, but everyone should learn about it and appreciate it. This concept has loads to teach us about love, no matter what kind of relationship we’re in. New Relationship Energy refers to that rush of feel-good chemicals we have at the start of new love. Your brain is flooded with oxytocin and dopamine, your brain’s love and reward hormones. This is what causes that love-at-first-sight feeling people sometimes have. During this time in a relationship, everything feels possible. You’re in a honeymoon of sorts: all sex and snuggles and new adventures.
NRE just doesn’t last forever in the vast majority of relationships (and that’s OK).
NRE usually lasts anywhere from 1-5 years. It starts to fade when you basically stop having that "i can't get enough of you" feeling. It's very, very normal and happens to the vast majority of couples. It doesn't mean you can't keep working to keep the spark alive. We just settle back to our baseline of emotions. We can't live in that 'high on love' state forever. It isn't really sustainable.
Have you fallen out of love? Here’s what to look out for.
Falling out of love isn't the same as losing NRE. If you're feeling deeply, truly unhappy in the relationship, you might not be in love anymore. I think if you take some time to sit with the comfortable emotions and ask yourself: Do I love this person anymore? You can usually figure it out. I always suggest therapy to get to the heart of some of our more difficult emotional dilemmas.
Some signs you're not in love anymore:
1. You are deeply unhappy in the relationship.
2. Your partner doesn't make you feel loved anymore and you don't seem to care very much about that.
3. You're no longer sexually attracted to them -- or emotionally attracted to them.
4. You find you're always angry with them and aren't sure why.
5. You can't see a future together. Or, if you do imagine it, it gives you a sense of dread.
How to tell the difference between the two.
I think this holds a lot of nuance. There is a big difference between no longer being in love with someone and the fade of NRE. NRE is when we have these super intense love emotions for the other person, but when this fades it is usually into something deeper and more meaningful. This is a sign of long-lasting love. We usually find a lot of comfort and joy in this state of being.
When we're not in love anymore, we are unhappy and no longer wish to be with out partner. It can hard to discern between the two, but looking closely at our emotions and self-interrogating what we're really feeling can offer us clarity. Remember that good, stable love isn't supposed to be difficult. It can have problems and it can be challenging, but it should not give you a sense of dread or make you deeply unhappy.
In the case where NRE has faded, but you do want to continue the relationship, what can you do to reignite the spark?
Everyone (even monogamous people) can learn from the concept of New Relationship Energy. When you’re with someone for a long period of time, it’s crucial that we keep the love and sexiness alive. Otherwise, we experience a cooling effect, wherein we start to become listless in the malaise of the same old, same old.
When you reignite NRE, you bring back that electric spark that was so exciting for you in the beginning stages of your partnership. N Instead of letting your romance run its course, fight to keep it fresh and interesting. Go on dates. Stay curious. Try new sex things together. Keep falling in love with your partner every single day. As we’ve said, love is fun!
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog originally appeared as an interview with Well+Good