The Erotic Mind Is Ground Zero For Our Sexuality
QUESTION: Why do I like the things I like sexually? What if I’ve started figuring out I’m into things that are starting to freak me out or I’ve never enjoyed before?
Raise your hand if you’ve ever given any serious thought to where your fantasies come from or why you find certain things so hot. Anyone? Hello?
Spoiler: Very few people have. And that’s because the idea that we should focus on or explore the content of our sexual minds has largely been missing from our social narratives around sex.
We can’t even get the word “pleasure” into our (very bleak) sex education system. Do you think diving headlong into our fantasies is going to be encouraged at any point in our development? But just because something isn’t encouraged doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it anyway.
I thought it would be prudent to get some expert help on this - so I recruited a few trusted experts to help me flesh this concept out for y’all.
Exploring the erotic mind—that is, the thoughts, memories, fantasies, activities, etc. that turn you on—is a key component in living your richest, fullest sexual life. Knowing what turns you on gives you “a map of your unique erotic landscape and, therefore, you can choose the right sexual/romantic partner(s) for yourself and be more likely to have great pleasurable experiences,” Silva Neves, an accredited psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist, told me in an interview. What could be better?
Here is everything you should know about the erotic mind and how to explore it.
How All Of Our Delicious Sexual Interests Develop
The human mind is incredibly complex, and what we find erotic is part of that infinite complexity. When we think of desires, people often point to childhood, but this is shortsighted. “Our erotic mind is just as diverse as nature is,” Neves explains. “The problem is that if sexual interests are part of the ‘norm,’ nobody questions them, but if they are unusual, people tend to think that it is because something went wrong in childhood.” That’s just not the case.
What takes on erotic meaning for you can come from all over the place, both concrete and imaginary. Can it come from childhood? Definitely. Could it come from an experience you had or a porn scene you watched as an adult? Totally. What about that time you saw a hot woman cutting a cucumber and now all you want is to have a cucumber run all over your junk? Sure.
“We like what we like,” Cyndi Darnell, sex therapist and author of Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth About Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire, told me via email. “No need for further analysis.” The idea that our fantasies need to have roots in some trauma-filled experience is just not accurate—and it’s very judgmental.
The Four Cornerstones of the Erotic Mind
Neves identifies four cornerstones of the erotic mind that are worth considering:
Searching for power
Overcoming ambivalence
Longing and anticipation
Violating prohibitions
These are some of the root motivations behind why something (physical or fantasy) may take on sexual meaning. “Some people may find only one of those cornerstones of eroticism very erotically potent, while others might have two or three they find very arousing,” he tells me. “Some may have none. But generally speaking, people will find some of their turn-on[s] enhanced when they come across one of [these] cornerstones.”
Exploring these cornerstones and considering how they may play into your fantasies can help you better understand yourself as a sexual being.
Can Your Erotic Fantasies Be Cause for Concern?
There are some folks who may think that their fantasies and/or sexual desires are problematic, but this isn’t the case, generally speaking. “There is nothing ‘wrong’ [with] having fantasies, even if the fantasies are about things that are illegal,” Neves says.
As triggering as this may be, there is a big difference between thinking about something illegal and acting on something illegal. Fantasies are the wild, weird, often freaky creations of our incredibly rich imaginations. This content should be explored for better self-understanding, not shrouded in fear and shame.
With that being said, if you’re worried about your fantasies or are consistently thinking about things like sexual violence, sex involving minors, or bestiality, it’s important to find a qualified psychosexual therapist to work through them with you. Check out the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) or the UK College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT) databases to find qualified, sex-positive practitioners who won’t pathologize your desires.
Why Exploring the Erotic Mind Is Really Important When It Comes to Reducing Shame Around Sex
Exploring your erotic mind can be a powerful tool for reducing shame. We live in a sex-negative hellscape that doesn’t encourage sexual exploration. It’s radical and self-actualizing to subvert this narrative through the navigation of your sexual template.
What if you could reframe exploring your erotic mind as a way to get to know the real you, even with all the shadows and darker stuff? I asked my pal and coworker, Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist to give me the skinny. She says that “your erotic mind can be a place that illuminates more of who you are, especially the parts that you try to hide and don’t like to admit are there. The human sexual subconscious is a very transgressive place. It’s where we explore the taboo and what cannot be said, so embrace it.”
When we embrace our sexual selves, we embrace what it means to be a free human being.
How to Explore Your Erotic Mind for a Richer Sexual Life
Consider the four cornerstones of the erotic mind above. Try asking yourself these questions: What is my first sexual memory? What fantasies do I have? What is my favorite sexual act?
When beginning to explore the complex and glorious landscape of your eroticism, it’s simplest to start with your strongest erotic memories. “When you pay attention to the ingredients of your memories and fantasies, you make those ingredients conscious rather than subconscious, which means that you become erotically aware,” Neves says. This brings us more clarity and greater mastery over the subjective sexual content that gets us going.
Rowett suggests journaling as another way of considering and processing erotic thoughts. “Journal on your most recent sexual fantasy; what really, really turns you on; a memorable sexual experience that you still keep coming back to in your mind; and also what turns you on that feels risky to explore.”
What it comes down to is engagement, even when it feels scary, awkward, or shameful. We are mosaics of a billion thoughts, memories, and feelings. It’s worth looking deeper, don’t you think? Go forth, explore, and get freaky with it.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this article originally appeared on TheBody.