Into Kink, But Your Partner Isn’t? Read this.
QUESTION: I’m kinky, but my partner is vanilla. Is it even possible to make this work or should we just call it quits? I’m not even sure how to broach the topic and I’m afraid of being rejected.
If you are kinky and in a relationship with someone who isn’t, that can feel really daunting. We don’t live in a society that welcomes open and honest conversations about sex, and when it comes to practices that are considered “taboo,” this can further complicate things.
Sure, Fifty Shades may have brought spanking and BDSM into the mainstream, but these aren’t the only kinks that exist. And honestly, who has enough money to create their own sex dungeon anyway?
So, how do you get your kink-fix in a relationship with a vanilla partner? Is it even possible to have a sustained and healthy partnership with a vanilla person if you’re into kink?
Luckily, the answer is: YES! It is possible. When we have communication, empathy, and curiosity - anything is possible within a relationship.
It’s important to note that there’s nothing wrong with being kinky and there is nothing wrong with being vanilla. People are into different things—and that’s OK. It’s about figuring out a way to make sure that everyone in the relationship feels safe, seen, and satisfied.
This may take some negotiation and compromise.
How important are your kinks to you?
The first place to start is a little self-reflection. How important are your kinks? Where do they fit into your identity as a human being? Understanding this can help you formulate a blueprint for a conversation with your partner.
For some people kink is a part of who they are. It’s part of who they are as a human being and it is fundamental to their identity. For others, they may simply enjoy kink as a part of their lives.
If your kinks are an essential component of your happiness and fulfillment, there is nothing wrong with this. It’s just a matter of figuring out a way to incorporate them into your sex life in a way that works for both you and your partner.
Talking to your partner about kink.
Start slowly with these conversations and invite your partner to engage with you. Always ask for empathy and understanding from your partner.
It may be wise to avoid using terms such as “kinky” if you think that your partner may be turned off or uncomfortable with a word like that. It could be more affirming and safe for you to ask your partner if they’re interested in discussion and exploring certain things that turn you on - and possibly could turn them on, too.
Even though this conversation might be scary, it can be fruitful. Just because your partner doesn’t share the same interests doesn’t automatically mean they won’t be open to participating in them. We need to hold space for this possibility and be willing to engage with it.
How to figure out if you have shared kinks … and ways to compromise.
The more common ground we can find with our partners, the better the outcome will be. Invite your partner to the table and ask them what they are into sexually themself. We all have things we’re interested in sexually. It may be a simple matter of discerning what it is exactly that each partner is into and then finding a way to work together.
Meeting in the middle can be crucial here.
If your partner isn’t down AT ALL … what can you do?
Your partner may not be down to engage in your kinks at all, and that is their right. We cannot force people to do things that they aren’t willing to do. Consent is a must. You’ve had the conversation and they say, “NO WAY.” What now?
If they aren’t into kink, it’s time to negotiate how you can have your needs met in other ways, especially if your kinks are fundamental to your ongoing happiness and sexual wellness. This may involve a discussion about opening the relationship so that the non-kinky person has the ability to explore what is important to them in a safe way. Boundaries will be a big part of this negotiation.
An unwillingness to even entertain the idea of exploring sexually can be a sign of bigger problems within the relationship. If this is the case, it’s important to ask for help.
It’s always a good idea to ask for help.
There are a few different kinds of professionals that can assist in helping you and your partner establish a stronger connection where all of your needs are met.
1. If your partner is willing to explore kink with you: A sex coach who specializes in kink.
A sex coach is a professional who can help you explore different ways to have your needs met within the boundaries of your relationship.
2. If your partner isn’t willing to do kink, but wants you to be able to explore yourself: A professional BDSM practitioner.
Pearson says that hiring a professional BDSM practitioner may be a good way to get your needs met. Having consent from your partner is a must, though.
3. If your partner outright refuses: A sex therapist who is kink-affirming.
If your partner is not willing to allow you to engage with your kinks in any way, you should consider going to a sex therapist, because this is indicative of larger relationship problems that need to be addressed.
When it comes to kink, the bottom line is being willing to communicate with an open mind and heart. It’s about coming to sex with a sense of curiosity and willingness to take chances. We won’t always have the same likes and dislikes as our partners, but having room to figure out different things that get you going can be a grand adventure.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog post originally appeared on TheBody.