Men Who Experience Low Desire, You’re Not Alone
QUESTION: I’ve never had much of a libido and it has caused a lot of problems in my relationships … often leading to breakups. What’s wrong with me?
Men experience low sexual desire, too. This is not just a cis-female issue, as much as society would like us to believe that all men are cartoonishly horny at all times. Naturally, people do not like talking about this, but it’s a thing and we need to open up about it. Why? Because everyone deserves to have a wonderful and fulfilling sex life, no matter their gender identity or whatever kinds of nonsensical stereotypes and expectations come with it.
Men — and all AMAB (assigned male at birth) humans — are not socially conditioned to believe that “not wanting sex” or having a lower libido is acceptable. They’re told they should always be ready to go, rock hard and horny AF all the time, at the drop of a hat. Sorry folks, this just isn’t true.
Men and AMAN people experience the same libido-killing issues that everyone else does. These potential causes run the gamut: stress, body image concerns, illness, depression, anxiety, performance anxiety, being stuck in the same sexual routine and relationship issues with a partner.
Meanwhile, society’s “masculine man” ideal hurts absolutely everyone. In addition to making men feel ashamed of something perfectly normal and extremely common, these gender norms also find a way to shame the partners of men experiencing low libido. In heterosexual relationships (cis-het or otherwise) where an AMAB person doesn’t want sex as much as their partner, the woman (or AFAB person) often gets blamed for being “hyper-sexual” or “too into sex.” She’s considered “weird” for having desires because people raised female aren’t supposed to want sex as much as — and certainly not more than — their male counterparts. Again, false.
Regardless of gender identity, if you experience a lower libido, you are not alone — and it doesn’t matter whether this is a lifelong thing or something that’s recently begun. Every single person experiences desire differently. Getting turned on is a complex process born out of a mishmash of biological, psychological and social factors. It’s completely normal for people to have different libidos. There is no too much, too little, or just right.
Libido discordance (i.e. when partners have differing libidos) is the single most common issue brought to couple’s therapy. It’s an everyone issue and it deserves to be discussed. Too many people are suffering in silence feeling broken, dirty and/or wrong for something that is entirely normal.
Luckily, you’re not left high and dry if you’ve found your libido lagging. There are tried and true, sex therapy-approved interventions and practices that can help.
Take penises off the table for a hot minute
One of the biggest libido killers for people with penises is the idea that their penis has to be involved every single time they have sex. And not only that, but that penetration has to be involved in every single kind of sex.
Frankly, that’s a lot of work to put into something that is supposed to be pleasurable. There’s so much pressure to perform in a certain way that it can make sex feel daunting. Anxiety around being able to “get it up” is a huge boner-killer and can weaken desire for sex over time.
Instead, focus on the many other kinds of sex that happen to be out there — sex that doesn’t have to involve your penis. Go back to basics: Touching, kissing, oral sex, caressing, and anything in-between.
These are the building blocks of desire: intimacy that doesn’t contain the pressure off taking things further. This can lead to other kinds of sex: Oral, hand stuff, massage and whatever else you can think of, really. Get creative.
Weirdly enough, when clients take erections off the table, desire (and erections) tend to find their way back to them organically.
Rule out any medical concerns
This can be especially helpful if this has been an ongoing sexual health issue. You should also have your thyroid and heart checked for any issues.
It’s always good to be sure there’s nothing going on medically so that you and your doctor can decide on a treatment plan that works for you. If there are no medical concerns it likely means it is a psychological issue. Whether you have medical issues or not, it’s always a good idea to see a couples’ therapist who specializes in sexual concerns with your partner.
Figure out your conditions for good sex
We all have things that turn us on, but very few of us have truly examined the larger context that kindles our desire. As previously mentioned, desire isn’t just one thing; it comes from a combination of social, cultural and biological factors.
When you’re able to identify and unpack the conditions that you need to get in the mood for sex, it makes creating those conditions a lot easier. This means being able to discuss your desires openly. And if you can do this is a safe environment, it makes sharing your needs even easier. It’s about figuring out what you like about sex, what you don’t like, what works, and what doesn’t. Give it a think.
Have fun with it
Good sex is about the journey, not the destination. Phillips reminds us that pleasure should be the goal, not orgasm.
Unsurprisingly, the most important part of making desire pop is actually enjoying what you’re doing. We need to get out of the “task” mindset in sex and actually think of it as something fun an enjoyable that we like doing. If the sex you’re considering feels like more work than fun, regroup and find other sex things to explore.
This “fun” aspect doesn’t have to look any particular way. It’s all about creativity. Maybe you introduce some kink to your relationship, or some sensation play, or explore erogenous zones. The best way to get the erotic juices flowing is to let go, get weird with it, and see what happens.
Desire might be a “complicated” psychophysiological state, but the more you engage with it, the easier it becomes to experience. So get after it, be willing to explore and enjoy the play for what it is: play.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this article originally appeared on InsideHook.