Why does knowing the difference between kinks and fetishes even matter?
QUESTION: Kink and fetish. What is the difference? Why does it matter?
Kinks and fetishes tend to get thrown into the same bucket of “taboo” sexual interests. This isn’t exactly surprising, TBH, given society’s dismissive and often downright negative treatment of sexual behaviors and fantasies that deviate from the (vanilla, cis-het) “norm.” But don’t be fooled, there *is* a difference between a kink and a fetish.
A kink is the desire or preference for “non-normative” behaviors or things - think leather, bondage etc. A fetish, meanwhile, is a sexual interest in something that falls outside of the same norm - but is REQUIRED for the person to reach full sexual arousal or orgasm.
Basically, we can boil down the difference between kinks and fetishes to three main definitions:
“Kink” or “being kinky” is a big umbrella term for all non-vanilla sexual behaviors, acts, and desires.
A kink is a specific sexual interest in a non-normative sexual behavior, body part, object, or act.
A fetish is a specific sexual interest in a non-normative sexual behavior, body part, object, or act. This specific thing is usually a requirement for full sexual arousal. Many require the fetish object/act in order to experience sexual arousal and orgasm.
While these three takeaways pretty much sum up the distinction between these two different flavors of non-vanilla sex, there’s a lot more nuance to what these fantasies and experiences actually look like in real life. For one thing, what even counts as “kinky” in the first place is subject to personal interpretation.
What’s kinky for one person may not be for another. You may think french kissing is kinky in some cases. Meanwhile, other people may not find anything short of getting spanking, in a cage, in a dungeon kinky. Basically, it’s a bit of a choose your own adventure situation.
There’s no concrete definition of what’s “normal” in bed, and there certainly isn’t any concrete definition of what’s considered kinky. Kinkiness is in the eye of the beholder.
Of course, what is “typical” depends on society’s definition of “normal” sex, which is not only constantly evolving, but also influenced by the sex negativity that still runs rampant through almost every aspect of our culture. But, generally speaking, when we say “typical,” we’re talking about “vanilla sex.” Vanilla refers to sex that fall within a typical heteronormative paradigm. When we think about it this way, a lot of sex might seem kinkier than we thought!
OK SO: Remember, kinks = “non-normative” sexual preferences, while fetishes = “non-normative” sexual requirements.
That said, there is some crossover between the two. For example, foot stuff might just be a kink if someone happens to love feet, toe-sucking, fishnet stockings on feet, etc.
Getting clear on these definitions matters because it helps us understand our relationship to our specific desires. This will impact how we choose to engage in sex and in our partnerships.
Understanding where your desires fall on a spectrum is needed just from a communication standpoint. You wouldn’t want to call a fetish a kink because then you’re not letting your partner know just how important that fetish is. This can cause problems. And likewise, calling a kink a fetish can oversell the interest in something, leading to missing each other - because the other person might think you want it every single time when you don’t.
Hope this helps, my beautiful babes.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.