How to Make a “Friends with Benefits” Relationship Work
QUESTION: I have a FWB and I’m worried this will ruin our friendship. Can these dynamics really work or is it just a hot mess idea?
Friends with benefits (FWB). These kinds of relationships have a bad reputation—and they really shouldn’t. The popular thinking goes one of two ways:
One person within this dynamic is always doing so with the hope of a relationship. That person will probably get heartbroken.
Both people want a relationship and will end up together.
The thing is, this just isn’t true of every FWB relationship. In fact, it isn’t the case with most of them, I’d wager. FWB relationships are as unique as the beautiful humans who engage in them. There is no one-size-fits-all.
These kinds of relationships really can work, as long as everyone is on the same page. And it’s not just about getting an easy lay. People can find really joy and meaning in relationships like this. They can be very enriching.
With that being said, these dynamics really aren’t for everyone. FWBs can be a fun and engaging way to experience sexuality without a romantic relationship, but they shouldn’t be taken lightly. This can prove to be a kiss of death.
Here is how to successfully navigate your FWB relationship: why they work, how they work, and when they definitely won’t work.
Down and Dirty: Are These Relationships Ever a Good Idea?
Is the idea of a magical FWB situation a pipe dream? No, not really. In a good FWBs situation, you can have all the intimacy of a sexual relationship, while still having a friend you like to spend time with, as well. Sounds pretty dope, right?
Having sex with a friend (new or old) doesn’t need to complicate everything, as long as you’re on the same page about everything. These relationships have the potential to be incredibly enriching. There’s no reason why these relationships can’t be as special and magical as any romantic relationship.
How to Successfully Handle an FWB Relationship
Now, the thing is, these relationships only work when they’re done correctly.
Stick to the three C’s:
Communication.
Clarity.
Continual respect.
Here is some piping hot tea, folx: These relationships may look casual, but in (good) practice they are anything but.
This takes a lot of care and effort. Everyone needs to be 100% on the same page, all the time. You cannot sleep on these relationships. They take care, just like any other relationship.
This means getting clear on expectations and vocalizing said expectations. You can want it to be only about sex. Sure, that works - but it isn’t the end of that conversation. What are the boundaries for that? How much emotional investment and care are you willing to give the relationship? Even though you’re not romantic partners, your FWB deserves respect and love. You need to be a nice person who cares about your FWB - and visa versa.
Your casual FWB is not a plaything who’s there to deliver on your every desire and then fuck off. We owe our FWBs a ton of respect because they are our friends! They deserve to be valued as and treated like a person.
These relationships take emotional intelligence, a LOT of maturity, and exquisite communication skills. It’s a tall order.
Take stock of what you want out of this present time in your life and from your sexual partners. Only you can decide if this kind of relationship is beneficial or harmful for you.
When to Call It Quits
If you’re wondering if this dynamic has stopped working for you, consider this: When it is no longer feeling fulfilling and joyful to one or all people in the dynamic. You can then use this condition to discuss what has shifted and possibly move back into a platonic friendship.
If boundaries aren’t clearly communicated, emotions can get in the way. Of course, emotions are pretty dang unpredictable—so even if you might not have feelings before you got into this casual sexual tryst, they still have the potential to develop. This is why it’s so important to have a safe and trusting connection with your FWB. You should feel like you can openly communicate your feelings. Even if they’re not reciprocated, they should be handled with empathy and care.
If don’t feel able to openly discuss your wishes, desires, and boundaries with your FBW, that is a major red flag and you should really think about endings things with mutual respect.
This goes for the person who isn’t developing stronger romantic feelings, as well. If you have the impression that you FWB wants something more serious and you’re not willing to give that to them, that’s when it needs to end with kindness and empathy. This isn’t just unkind, it’s really unethical.
If you don’t think you can (or should) have an open and honest continuous dialogue, you likely don’t have the solid emotional intelligence to be in a relationship like this. That’s just the way it is, pals.
FWB relationships should be fun and add value to your life. If it starts to cause you emotional distress, it’s best to find a way to amicably separate.
You deserve relationships that bring you joy, not hurt. And you deserve partners who feel the same way.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this article originally appeared on TheBody.