Question: I find that I get really turned on when I’m angry or overwhelmed. Is this normal?

The internet is home to no shortage of lists of aphrodisiacs, foods and substances that supposedly jumpstart sexual desire. Trying to suss out the “magic potion” for libido enhancement has been a cultural pastime for thousands of years. Think: dark chocolate, champagne, oysters, pistachios and Saffron, to name a few. 

Unfortunately, this quest is rather fruitless. Desire isn’t something that can be produced through magic substances, and claims that you can eat or drink your way to instant horniness are highly suspect. We’ve been searching for the secret to horniness for thousands of years and have come up generally more muddled each time.

Conceptually, however, the idea of aphrodisiacs can serve a purpose: Namely, to help you explore and distill specific sexual activators that work for you. 

Enter a different take on the term: Emotional aphrodisiacs (EAs). Emotional aphrodisiacs are specific emotional states that trigger desire and arousal, often subconsciously.

Human sexuality is complex and unique to each of us. Desire and arousal are born from an interwoven mix of biological, social and psychological factors. Understanding the factors that are specific to you and your sexuality is a big step on the journey to sexual self-discovery, one that has nothing to do with dark chocolate or champagne.

Sure, understanding the unique inner workings of your mind and emotions takes more work (and is less delicious) than popping an oyster in your gob, but that’s because it isn’t snake oil. Rest assured, it’s work worth doing, because the more you know about yourself, the better your sex life will be.

Emotional aphrodisiacs vs. pop-culture aphrodisiacs: What’s the difference?

The biggest difference between an emotional aphrodisiac and a pop-culture substance-based aphrodisiac is that EAs are legit. There isn’t a ton of rigorous data behind EAs, but if you look at states of desire and arousal, you can see that we genuinely do require certain states of emotion in order to spark desire.

Arousal and desire don’t just come out of nowhere. Something needs to get the engine going on a more personal, emotional level.

The main EA states include: anger, security/satisfaction, anxiety, exuberance and guilt. This list is by no means exhaustive. The way EAs work with different people will vary widely. 

Why knowing your EAs is helpful for better sex

Most of us expect horniness to manifest without provocation, like hunger or tiredness, but this isn’t really how desire works. Exploring your EAs can help you to better understand what turns you on and what you need to feel sexually excited, information that can lead to better sex.

Understanding your EAs is vital for communication and intimacy with your partner(s) in order to have the most satisfying sex possible. Knowing your EAs. It allows you to find validation for your emotional needs - which we all have - and to get to know yourself more deeply as a sexual being.

To figure out what your emotional aphrodisiacs might be, think about how you’d answer these questions: What am I usually feeling before I feel horny? Are there any common lines or thoughts or behaviors that make me particularly aroused? Other than horniess, what other emotions are present for me?

How to share your emotional aphrodisiacs with your partner

So you’ve taken some time for careful self reflection and figured out what your emotional aphrodisiacs are, congrats. Now what are you supposed to do with them? Communicate with your partner (if you have one) in order to better have your needs met. 

Emotions and sex are inextricably linked, no matter how serious or casual the encounter. Exploring your EAs has the power to allow you to engage more comfortably with your desires and to dispel shame about what you enjoy during sex.

Here are the top tips for having these delicate conversations. Sex is vulnerable, but in order to have great sex, we need to be willing to step into that vulnerability.

Stay positive

Instead of focusing on what isn’t going well with your sex life (if anything), you want to focus on the things you really enjoy - while also offering some other things that would help you get in the mood. And this is important because your partner does want you to have the best time possible. Keep it light and let them know that you’re committed to a growth mindset and getting to know yourself - and share yourself - on a deeper level is key to that.

Have the conversation(s) in a neutral place

Having conversations about sex when you’re naked is never a great idea, as it can spark a lot of anxiety. Instead, such as over dinner or while hanging out at home in the living room. Make sure the conversation takes place in a quiet, private place.

Think of this as exploration, not instruction

These conversations should be more about exploring what each of you needs emotionally to feel sexy, rather than dolling out a bunch of guidelines. 

For example, if feeling loved and cared for is your thing, she suggests opening with something like: “I wonder if we started snuggling on the couch after work, if that might help me feel really loved, and make me more interested in sex later in the evening.”

Don’t put too much pressure on it

This conversation is an opportunity to be curious, not to draw out long talks for hours on end. That’s frankly exhausting and makes you less likely to do it. It’s simply another step in gaining sexual wisdom.

Discovering who we are as sexual beings is a never-ending process, and the more we uncover, the better sex becomes. EAs are a part of this because the more you know yourself and what triggers desire, the more attuned you are to these states. When you can be honest and open about your emotions, it helps to create longer-lasting intimacy and trust … which leads to more orgasms. 

Super dope, right?

XOXO Gigi

This article originally appeared on InsideHook.

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