What is the ‘bristle effect’ in relationships?
Question: Whenever I reach out to my partner, she flinches away. It’s really hurting my self-esteem. What is going on?
What is the bristle effect?
The bristle effect is essentially an involuntary defense mechanism when your nervous system senses a threat. Oftentimes it becomes highly tuned to react to situations that aren't threatening -- but our logical brain doesn't have time to catch up with the protective reaction.
How this response can impact relationships.
The bristle reaction can definitely have adverse effects on your relationship because flinching away from your partner's touch can send a signal that you don't want to be touched. This can lead to feelings of rejection, hurt, and embarrassment.
With that being said, if this is something that is happening for you and you don't want it to, it's also an opportunity for communication and growth. You can open up to your partner that this is upsetting for you too and work together to collaborate to find ways to handle this reaction if it comes up. It's also an opportunity for deeper introspective work to figure out what it is about certain kinds of physical touch that elicit this relation in you. Understanding and getting to the bottom of why it's happening can help to reduce it. It really comes down to becoming more comfortable with certain kinds of touch in specific contexts.
Of course, sometimes we bristle and we already know why. In my experience as a clinician, the bristle effect often happens in a relationship when one partner wants less sex than the other. Which, incidentally, is the most common reason couples seek out psychosexual therapy in the first place.
It happens because the lower libido partner starts to associate any physical touch — be it a kiss, hug, hand on the bum — as being an invitation for sex. When you don’t want to have sex as much as your partner, you can begin to feel pressure around it so all intimate touch begins to feel like step towards being pressured into sex.
Why reframing non-sexual touch in relationships is the first step towards healing.
Non-sexual touch is essential in maintaining connection with your partner. Sometimes we develop a bristle effect because we code any sort of intimate touch as being sexual -- and therefore, we bristle because we don't want touch to lead to pressure to have sex.
This often leads couples to stop engaging in touch at all -- which in turn builds resentment and contributes to relationship problems. It's important to set up explicit boundaries around intimate touch and remove any pressure that it will lead to pressure to have sex.
When we engage in non-sexual touch, we add to our "piggy bank" of good will and affection in the relationship. Each action gives a little bit of currency to the account. We want to keep the account healthy and not let it run dry.
3 tips to reintroduce touch and intimate connection without all the pressure.
1 . Take sex off the table.
I often tell couples to remove sex from the table for a month or two entirely in order to reestablish intimate touch without the expectation that it will lead to more. It might sound paradoxical, but once pressure to have sex is removed, the ability to actually feel desire is suddenly freed up again. Pressure absolutely kills desire.
2. Figure out what enjoyable non-sexual touch looks like for you.
I'd also suggest couples have really open conversations about what kinds of non-sexual touch they enjoy and make a commitment to engage in it.
3. Eye gazing.
Another great way to rebuild connection is to do an eye-gazing technique. You both look into each other's eyes for two minutes to create intimacy. It may feel a bit awkward, but it really does work.
4. Try the 6 second hug.
The Gottman's suggest a 6 second hug before you leave for work. Research shows it takes 6 seconds for the bonding chemical oxytocin to release. This can create renewed feelings of connectedness and pair bonding.
5. Ask yourself: Is the sex on offer sex you want?
Lastly, some of the time (ok, a lot of the time), cis-women and AFAB people lose their desire because the kinds of sex they’re having just aren’t giving them the pleasure they need to experience orgasm. If this sounds like you, listen up.
When we think the only ‘real kind’ of sex is penis-in-vagina intercourse, we limit ourselves greatly. The vaaaaaast majority of people with clitorises do not orgasm this way. If you’re not having orgasms and a lot of pleasure during sex, you’re not going to want to have it. We do not want to do things we don’t find enjoyable! So, collaborate on ways that you and your partner can bridge the pleasure gap so everyone can experience the good sex they desire.