What is gaslighting and how do you deal with it?
Question: I feel like I’m being gaslit by my partner. How do I know? And what can I do about it?
What is gaslighting in relationships?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation wherein a partner makes you doubt your own memory or recollection of events, often leading you to question your own sanity. It is usually considered a form of emotional abuse. While it can take place in any kind of relationship, you find it most often in romantic partnerships.
Gaslighting can come out of a power imbalance in relationships, wherein one partner manipulates the other. The partner being galit may feel confused, disoriented, or like they are losing their mind. Overtime, gaslighting can greatly deteriorate confidence and self-perception. Gaslighting is very different from having differing memories about events. Gaslighting is entirely intentional and designed to manipulate.
Why do people gaslight in relationships?
A partner may gaslight you to gain power over you in a relationship. It's a way to try and get what they want from you. A person who gaslights may do so because they've seen this behavior modeled by primary caregivers in the past and therefore, don't know another tactic for getting their needs met in a healthy way.
Gaslighting is usually a means to deflect and avoid taking responsibility for one's behavior. It's a way to shift blame onto a partner, rather than be able to be held accountable for one's actions.
3 common examples of gaslighting.
Your partner denies objective facts.
When something happens (such as a family event where something funny happened, when your partner said something to you at the movies etc), your partner straight up tells you it never happened. You know for a fact that it did take place and your partner denies it regardless, often pointing to your lack of memory as the culprit.
They minimize your emotions.
When you become upset because of something mean or cruel that they've done, they turn the blame on you. They might tell you you're being paranoid or overly emotional. For example: You watch your partner flirt with someone at a bar and give her his number. When you approach him and react, he denies it and says you're being hysterical.
They accuse you of lying to avoid accountability.
When you confront them about something they've done, instead of apologizing or taking accountability they insist that you're lying or making it up.
3 ways to respond to gaslighting.
Listen to your intuition.
If something feels off, tell them you know something is off. Confirm with other sources, if possible, what occurred.
Step away.
Take time to process what's happened and look to friends and family for support. Tell your partner you need time away from them and you believe they're being manipulative and you no longer feel safe.
Write stuff down.
Keep receipts of things that have happened. After an argument or heated discussion, write down everything you remember. This will help you keep a clear head in the face of gaslighting.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog post originally appeared as an interview with TheKnot.