6 Things Not to Say When Dating a Bisexual
QUESTION: Dating a bisexual person can be hard. How do you not offend them?
‘Does bisexual mean you like both genders 50/50 or what? Have you had, like, 500 threesomes? Does this mean you aren’t into monogamy? Are you OK with only getting penis/vagina for the rest of your life when you also like women/men/all people?’
This is just a smattering of the questions that nearly every bisexual person has been asked. I know I certainly have, and I cannot think of a single bisexual person I’ve known who has not. Many bisexual people often face an onslaught of intrusive questions from various people in their lives. However, they can be especially jarring to hear when they come from someone you’re dating—whether seriously or casually.
If you're the inquisitor, you likely mean no harm. I’m certain the questions you ask are likely in good faith and curiosity. With so many of us having grown up with very little sex education—and almost certainly being taught nothing about queer relationships—it’s no wonder people are so puzzled by the bisexual identity. Even the LGBTQIA+ community has been known to alienate bisexuals at times, and we have a B in the acronym!
Invasive questions we bisexual folk hear a little too regularly run from the state of our sex lives, via our current relationships, to solicitations for threesomes or group sex. It can be very difficult for a bisexual person to be viewed in this way, leaving nearly no room for their humanity and making them feel like a strange freak of nature who is deeply misunderstood.
That said, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Increasing numbers of young people in the UK are choosing to abandon the label ’heterosexual‘ for something less binary, but still, it’s productive to illuminate a damaging situation that does still exist so we can help bisexual partners feel safe and secure in romantic and sexual relationships.
Education is the way, pals. Feeling like you can trust someone is a key part of being able to experience sexual pleasure, so don’t ruin a good thing by asking any of these questions if you’re dating a bisexual person.
Am I just a phase for you?
There is a depressingly popular ‘theory’: bisexual people are still just trying to figure out which gender they like and, eventually, they’ll pick one and stick to it forever.
This is not how it works, babe. Being bisexual is completely valid and it is most certainly not just a phase. This question is rude and pejorative. Even when a bisexual person declares their identity loud and proud, many still feel uncomfortable. This stigma exists in both the queer and straight communities. I’ve yet to encounter a bisexual client who has not been questioned, put down, or had a partner have almost constant doubts about whether or not they’re ‘actually queer.’
Treating a person’s identity as a phase is not only damaging to the person you’re questioning, but also to your relationship with them. Don’t do this.
Did I make you straight/gay?
Questions of the same nature include: ‘How can you be bi if I’m your girlfriend/boyfriend?’; ‘How can you be bi if you’re dating women/men now?’; ‘You used to be bisexual, but you’re gay/straight now because of me, right?’
This is the same as looking at the bisexual person you’re dating, someone who you should be treating with kindness and respect, and screaming, ‘What are you?!?!
Just because a person happens to be in a ‘straight’ looking or ‘gay’ looking relationship, doesn’t automatically mean they’re straight or gay. Being bi is being bi. Your relationship status doesn’t change your identity. Bisexuality is complex, as are all forms of sexuality. If you can’t handle it, maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you, my dude.
XOXO GIGI
This article was originally published on Feeld.