5 Ways to Build Sexual Communication with Your Partner
QUESTION: How do I build sexual communication with my partner and have my needs met? I feel so nervous talking about sex.
It feels like a really good time to have a serious chat about sexual communication. We all need it, don’t you think?
It’s no secret that talking about sex is not easy. We have no language for sex. We aren’t taught about sexual communication in school or at home. We go out into the world ill-equipped to be kind, empathetic lovers.
One of the main reasons people find themselves in my office is because they aren’t having the kind of sex they want and have absolutely no idea how to get it.
The list of concerns run the gamut: How to bring up trying new things, changing up the routine, concerns regarding sexually transmitted infection (STI) status, or asking for what you need in bed to have an orgasm. When my clients attempt to broach these conversations, they’re often met with resistance. Or, at least they believe they will be.
All of these concerns are rooted in a lack of communication between sexual partners. “Without sexual communication, there is a high likelihood of unsatisfying sex,” Silva Neves, an accredited psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist, tells TheBody. “Having good sexual communication is important because knowing what to do sexually is not innate, and it is dependent on the sexual partner(s) you’re having sex with at the time. Each person has particular turn-ons and turn-offs, or parts of their bodies they like to be touched or not.” Being “good at sex” is a learned behavior, not something we just instinctively know how to do.
We have a male-focused pleasure model when it comes to sex, one deeply entrenched in puritanical roots. Only 39 states and Washington, D.C. require sex education and/or HIV education in school, and only 18 mandate that sex education be medically accurate. Pleasure? That’s not even mentioned at all. This is why so many people are under the (very wrong) impression that sexual intercourse is the “best” form or only “real” form of sex. This is why people don’t understand STIs—and why stigma continues to plague entire communities living with them.
No wonder my waitlist for new clients is so long. To make your life just the tiniest bit easier, TheBody has broken down five effective ways to create better sexual communication with your partner. Because we all really need it.
1. Figure out how you like to be touched first
Before you can have open conversations about your sexual needs, it’s very important to figure out what the heck those needs even are. Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody that the best way to figure out what you like sexually is to start small and work your way up to the bigger, sexier things. Start with these questions: “How do you like to be kissed? Where? How do you like to be touched, where, and when? If you could have the most perfect and exquisite sex, what would happen and what would it feel like?”
Then, masturbate. While masturbation can be triggering for some people, it can also be joyful, fun, and a way to reclaim power after sexual assault or trauma. It is a radical act of self-love and healing that can help reconnect you to your body in a deeply healing way. This is your first step toward being ready to come to a conversation about sex with clarity and confidence.
For more information, check out Rowett’s free audio workshop on sexual communication.
2. Obtain consent for the conversation
Consent is not confined to sexual situations, but all conversations. It’s important to be sure that your partner is in the right headspace to talk about sex and to respect their boundaries. “If someone doesn’t seem able to be present for a conversation, if the conversation changes in emotional climate, or goes on for longer than desired, consent for the conversation is no longer there,” Amanda Luterman, M.A., M.Ed., a psychotherapist and founder of the Centre for Erotic Empathy, explains to TheBody.
If consent is revoked during your talk, the conversation should stop immediately. Do your best to end on a positive note by telling your partner you care for them and only want to be sure they are having all of their needs met, as well as your own.
3. Have realistic expectations
Kenneth Play, a renowned sex hacker and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro course, tells TheBody that this isn’t going to be some idyllic conversation out of a movie. “Don’t expect the conversation to be perfectly smooth, it just has to be effective. Some awkwardness is to be expected,” he explains.
Talking about sex will probably be uncomfortable because, as we explained in the intro, we’ve created a culture where talking about sex is awkward.
Share The G-Spot by Gigi Engle
When grappling with uncertainty and fear, just remember that you’re not alone. Everyone feels this way. Have realistic expectations, but try to give your partner some credit. “When given the opportunity, most people are more open than we believe they can be,” Taylor Sparks, an erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, tells TheBody. “We sometimes get caught up in our own doubts and insecurities of the ‘What if?’”
If the conversation doesn’t go well, it may be time to rethink and regroup. If you are feeling hurt or rejected, remember that this is a reflection of your partner’s discomfort about sex, not a reflection of your worth as a person and lover.
4. Invite your partner to share their needs
We all need a little (OK, a lot) of encouragement to open up about sex. If you want to get the conversation moving, you’ll need to take the reins. Invite your partner to share their sexual needs with you in a loving, reassuring way. Tell them that you won’t judge them, reject them, or think they are strange.
And then, listen to your partner’s needs. “Really listen,” Neves says. “Don’t listen to respond with your ideas, listen to learn more about your partner’s erotic mind.” Once they’ve shared, thank them for being so vulnerable with you and be willing to share your own needs.
5. Share your own needs
Neves suggests sharing your needs using affirmative language, using the term “I.” “It is your responsibility to own your sexuality and express it clearly: ‘I like my feet massaged to get me in the mood,’ ‘I like deep kissing throughout sex,’ ‘I prefer not to make eye contact during penetration,’ etc.,” he says.
Share The G-Spot by Gigi Engle
People have a lot of trouble understanding this concept: You are responsible for your orgasm, not your partner. It is your job to express your desires and needs. Your partner is not a mind-reader. Using loving, but straightforward language can help keep the conversation grounded and not accusatory.
Luterman reminds us to remember that this is someone you care about and respect. Therefore, you should come to the conversation expecting to be met with kindness. “For example, [say], ‘I have faith that you will respond with kindness to something sensitive I’d like to share with you,’” she suggests.
We understand that this can be difficult for people with trauma in their pasts to fully believe, but it’s necessary to have an open mind. If you are someone with a history of sexual or relationship trauma or abuse, it would be best to seek the advice of a qualified sex and relationship therapist instead of going into possibly triggering territory.
XOXO GIGI
This article originally appeared on TheBody.