The 3 Biggest Sex Secrets I Wish People Knew
QUESTION: What are your biggest secrets for couples who want to have great sex?
1. That libido changes throughout relationships and our lives.
Understanding that desire changes, ebbs, and flows throughout life is normal. We need to work with it, not have unrealistic expectations.
We're overly intoxicated with lust in the beginning of relationships because of New Relationship Energy. That's why we can't keep our hands off a new partner in the first few months of dating. We are majorly all over each other because our brains are awash in feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine. That's why we feel so sexually aroused and horny all the time in new relationships - we don't need as much of all the other situational factors because we're so high on New Relationship Energy.
Besides, spontaneous desire is seriously overrated. Think about it this way: When you go on a date and you’re planning to have sex, it’s not “spontaneous.” You do your hair, you wear the sexy panties, you put on the perfume. You prepare for that event. It’s not like “Oops! Wow! Had no idea we’d be having sex and I just happen to look like a screen siren!” No, that desire is Responsive. You created an erotic charge in yourself - by both thinking about sex and by dressing in an outfit that made you feel sexy.
2. Sex routines get boring and creating novelty in your sex life can bring back spark.
We could all do well to take a page out of the NRE book. Everyone (even monogamous people) can learn from the concept of New Relationship Energy. When you’re with someone for a long period of time, it’s crucial that we keep the love and sexiness alive. Otherwise, we experience a cooling effect, wherein we start to become listless in the malaise of the same old, same old.
When you reignite sexual energy - it isn't the same as NRE, but it is very fulfilling. Rekindled relationship energy is important because it encourages the new couple to spend time together and get to know each other. It is the time where trust is built and the foundations of the relationships are established.
Instead of letting your romance run its course, fight to keep it fresh and interesting. Go on dates. Stay curious. Try new sex things together. Keep falling in love with your partner every single day.
3. Non-sexual intimacy is so important.
Anytime we hug, kiss, rub, squeeze, and nuzzle into a romantic partner, there is an intimate charge. This comes from the sexual relationship that exists between couples. This type of touch doesn’t involve the touching of genitals, but is intimately based in that it allows us to meet the needs of sex, like feeling desired, expressing desire, and connecting in a way unique to us as sexual partners. It gives us a chance to engage with our partners and strengthen intimacy without sexual touch.
Taking the pressure or expectation of sex out of touching can be really liberating and open couples up to rebuilding intimacy. When we feel like every hug, kiss, and nuzzle is going to need to be followed up with sex, we start to avoid it. Allowing it to take root back in your relationship can be the balm that heals it.