How to Revisit Sex After ED
QUESTION: Lately I’ve been having trouble staying hard during sex. It has made me avoid being intimate with my partner, as I don’t want to let them down. I feel really badly about myself and I don’t want it to happen again. What can I do?
There is so much pressure on penises to be hard during penetrative intercourse (and all sex-related acts, really). When someone with a penis doesn’t “get it up” or loses their erection during sex, there is a lot of shame and anxiety involved. How could there not be, when so much of what is defined as “good sex” by society centers around the penis being the most important thing in the world? (It isn’t, btw).
Compounding this messy issue is the nature of how we socialize cisgender men to be so-called “men.” People assigned male at birth aren’t encouraged to express their emotions, be empathetic, or show any sign of weakness. They’re conditioned to swallow their feelings, “suck it up,” and not to be “such a baby.” This messaging backfires and does a lot of damage. When you don’t believe you’re a “real man” if you show vulnerability or feelings, it leads to repression, anxiety, and shutting down.
When it comes to erections, when you fixate or push away emotions that feel uncomfortable or upsetting, it can make the problem worse - leading to repeat or chronic erection issues.
You can’t expect to get and maintain strong erections if you feel bad about a previous sexual experience and haven’t resolved that hurt. We can’t live in a state of misery and shame. We have to face it, process it, and resolve it. And there are real tools for this journey.
If you’ve recently had issues with erections and are feeling worried, unsure, or scared that they will happen again, here’s how to revisit sex confidently in five steps.
1. Understand the Complexity of Obtaining and Retaining an Erection
It’s important to understand how erections happen to know why they may stop without warning. In a nutshell, the brain sends a message to the genitals to start the sexual arousal process. Blood flows to the penis, and the arteries close, allowing the penis to stay hard.
When something disrupts this process (such as medical issues, anxiety, stress, etc.) the brain either cannot get this message to the genitals at all or, in the case of losing an erection mid-sex, it sends a message alerting the penis that this is “not a time for sex,” and, therefore, the erection goes down.
Being aware of the multi-layered, complex bio-psycho-social process that creates erections can help you understand just how difficult it actually is to produce them.
2. Check in With Your Doctor
Like all things body-related, erections are affected by a lot of different factors. There may be a hormonal problem or other underlying health concerns involved, especially if this is a recurring issue. Consider having your testosterone levels checked. You may also consider the possibility that cardiovascular issues may be present, especially if you’re over 50.
It may also have to do with lifestyle choices, such as drinking and recreational drug use. It’s important to consider the many factors that may be at play here, all of which can contribute to erection problems.
3. Involve Your Partner in the Process
Dealing with bedroom issues of any variety becomes more manageable when we allow our partners to help us and support us. And for this first step, take erections off the table. Yes, really. It may sound counterintuitive, but when we remove the penis from sex, we also take the pressure off it.
Focus on more play (a.k.a. foreplay) activities. Start by making a “Plan B” for sex, if things don’t go according to plan. This helps making transition into other forms of play more seamless. Create options and different game plans.
Explore sex toys, hands, mouths, and all the other wonderful ways we can embrace and explore pleasure. Once we’re able to expand and open our erotic template to include more than just hard penises, it stops being such a “thing.”
If you didn’t catch the subtext here: This means communicating openly and honestly with your partner about your erection issues and the fears you have about a repeat incident. Empathy and understanding are key to solving these problems as a united team.
4. Sex Therapy Can Help
As we’ve discussed, erections are born out of a host of bio-psycho-social factors. Psychological issues surrounding the pressure to perform, anxiety about your erections, general stress, fear, and other such mental strains can all take their toll and prevent you from getting hard.
Being able to name the feelings and emotions that you’re feeling and describe them can help you work through these negative experiences and help you regain your confidence. It can help to start to map out and get to the roots of the things that are causing this issue - traumas, emotions, fears, etc. It gives you a better sense of control and understanding over yourself - which makes knowing your body much more simple.
In order to work through the deeper psychological factors you may be dealing with, enlisting the help of a qualified sex therapist can be very beneficial. Check out the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT, in the U.S.) or College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT, in the U.K.) databases to find qualified, sex-positive practitioners who work specifically with erectile issues.
5. This Is Common—and You Are Not Alone
Listen, if you’re a person assigned male at birth who is avoiding sex because you fear your erections won’t work and will make you a “failure,” we are here to tell you that this simply isn’t true. Sex is never going to go “perfectly” 100% of the time. And, honestly, it shouldn’t. Sex is silly, hot, awkward, strange, and even funny sometimes. It should be a source of joy, not anguish.
When you harness the ability to embrace all the awkwardness and unpredictability of sex, you build up resilience. This makes it a lot easier to cope with situations like this in the future which, in turn, will decrease worries over performance and make for more enjoyable sexual experiences.
You’ve got this, partner. Get out there and enjoy your sex life, hard-ons or not.
XOXO GIGI
Part of this blog first appeared on TheBody.