What is the One-Penis Policy in CNM?
Question: My partner and I are exploring CNM. He says he’s fine with me being with other people — as long as they’re women. I feel like this isn’t OK. What do I do?
The One-Penis Policy (OPP), states that within a primary relationship, there can only be ~one penis.~ This means, within the context of CNM (consensual non monogamy), that when you have sex with or date people outside of your relationship, those other partners must not have dicks.
A OPP tends to center the idea that penetrative sex with a penis is the only ‘real sex.’ Meaning, it’s the only kind that actually counts. This is, of course, entirely untrue. It essentially rules that people without penises are less of a threat to relationships — and invalidates relationships between women and femmes. So it’s pretty much … not amazing.
Within a classic OPP: The penis is the center of everything. And if that sounds sketchy AF, that’s because it is. Of course, where there are controversial relational rules, there is always the need for a nuanced conversation. We will endeavor to embark on such a journey.
So, let’s break down what the One-Penis Policy actually is, when it could be sinister, if it’s ever OK to have one in relationships, and — and possibly most spicy of all – whether or not your partner’s insistence on an OPP could be grounds for a breakup.
What is the ‘one-penis policy’ exactly?
As we’ve made pretty clear: The one-penis policy is when there can only be one ALMIGHTY PEEN!
While this dynamic is most often seen between a heterosexual cis-man and a bisexual or pansexual cis-woman, a male partner or a penis-owning partner may also be in a relationship with another male, trans, or non-binary partner.
The male partner's penis is the only penis allowed when seeking sex or other partnerships. The implicit message here being: If you have a penis, you must be a man. (Again, not true).
And yes, a lot about this policy is dripping in heteropatriarchy (and misogyny).
Yes, it’s highly problematic. Here’s why.
To be frank, the one-penis policy is simply unfair within a partnership (if both people aren’t 100 percent down). The heterosexual male partner gets to go out and explore in any way he wants, while his (usually vulva-owning) partner is limited in what she is and isn’t allowed to do. It limits his partner and doesn’t allow them to go and explore penises … because the fragile male ego.
The OPP is actually rooted in some dark stuff. It comes out of patriarchal and misogynistic ideas of control and ownership of women and femme bodies. It’s a total double standard if the penis-owning partner is allowed to have sex with partners who have vaginas — how is that fair, y’all?
What’s more: The one-penis policy can be hella biphobic and transphobic. It literally does it all, folx! Because, ICYMI, trans women, NB folk, and femmes might have penises.
Within the OPP, trans women, non-binary, and all AMAB folx are left in the lurch because not all people who have penises are men!
Why might someone try to enact the ‘one-penis policy’ in their relationship?
The reasons one partner or both partners might agree to the one-penis policy are going to vary widely (because people be complicated) but usually the reason is that a penis-owning partner might choose this because it’s rooted in their own insecurities.
When a penis-owning partner ‘puts’ the OPP on their partner, it’s usually born out toxic masculine ideas of what it means to “be a man” and “what real sex looks like.” They may feel ashamed of their size or worthiness and basically think they’re going to be outshined and left for another penis.
This high-key goes against the very tenants of CNM – which center autonomy and freedom. The one-penis policy, when used with the intention to control a partner’s behavior to make you feel more secure, is highly suspect.
Now, a quick note on when an AFAB person may choose a one-penis policy for themselves. Perhaps they simply do not want to explore penetration with people other than their partner. This is their choice to make.
It’s really about the intention here, right? If we’re making solid, informed choices based on sexual freedom and autonomy, that’s A-OK.
Is it ever OK to have an OPP?
If you and your partner are cool with/want to have a one-penis policy, that’s your business. Only the two of you get to decide how your open relationship should function. So, if you’re both on board, yes, it’s OK to have an OPP.
With that being said, it would still be wise to interrogate why that is. Why does this feel OK or good to you? Is this the way you want to explore open relationships, or are you making concessions to keep your partner happy? What is your understanding of freedom in CNM dynamics? Would you be OK with never having another penis in your sex life again? Are you OK with your partner getting to have cross-gender experiences when you’re not?
It’s a good idea to question our choices with compassion and try to suss out the root. These questions may be challenging, but they are worth exploring.
How to discuss the ‘one-penis policy’ with your partner.
If your relationship currently has an OPP or your partner is trying to mandate an OPP, it’s time to get vulnerable and have some open and honest conversations. The OPP is often plopped in place to avoid feeling or talking about uncomfortable emotions like jealousy.
But the only way we can better understand each other and our subjective reasoning is by talking to each other. If your partner can voice where the insecurities are stemming from, you can work to find solutions to soothe those feelings and foster security in your relationship, rather than throwing a blanket rule over the issue in an attempt to smother it.
When we approach conversations with empathy for each other, rather than harshness or judgment, we open the door for more fruitful conversations – that can hopefully lead to more agreeable solutions for everyone.
Lastly, is it OK to end a relationship if a partner wants a one-penis policy and refuses to budge?
The answer: Yeah, if your partner is insisting on an OPP and you’re not down – it’s completely fine if you want to walk away from the relationship. You’re allowed to cut your losses and go seek out a relationship that is more in-line with your values and needs.
You should never feel pressured or coerced into certain behaviors in order to make a partner happy. That isn’t how egalitarian partnerships work. Everyone deserves to have the relationships and sex lives that give them joy.