How Can Couples Navigate Difficult Conversations About Sex?
QUESTION: What are your best tips to talk about sex with a partner and navigate "uncomfortable" conversations? Why is it so important to communicate our sexual needs instead of just "letting it flow"? What do you answer to those who say that talking about sex could "ruin the magic" and end up in awkward discussions?
My top tips to talk about sex with a partner and navigate "uncomfortable" conversations.
1. My first tip for sex talk is to have it outside of the bedroom. Bringing up something new, something you're not liking, etc. during sex is likely to make your partner get defensive. Instead, have these conversations somewhere neutral. I enjoy sex talk in the car because you can have a conversation without needing to constantly look at each other. You can just look out at the road ahead - making it easier to cover more uncomfortable topics.
2. Remember that we're all weirdos and we all feel weird talking about this. If we could just be open about this fact - that none of us really know what we're doing - we'd have a much easier time navigating these conversations. We have essentially zero sex ed, no one talks about sex in real life, and the only thing we see is free internet porn. How on earth would anyone know how to have pleasurable sex with these factors?
Why it is so important to communicate your sexual needs instead of just "letting it flow.”
Because if you just try to "let it flow," you'll never talk about it and you'll never get the sex life you want. If you think talking about sex is going to ruin the magic, what magic is there? Sex is a weird, fun, awkward, human, exploratory thing. We only get better at it by talking about, practicing, messing up, and trying again. If we don't open our mouths and get these topics in the open, we will lose the spark sooner rather than later (assuming you even have a spark).
That is a certified promise.
Studies consistently show that couples who discuss sex openly have happier relationships. We need to allow for more emotional intelligence not just into our relationships, but in our sex lives. The way we do this is by breaking down these nonsensical barriers in which we are entrenched and talk the heck out of our sex lives. Start a conversation with our partner about WHY talking about sex is important. Open a dialogue even though you’re afraid. Take steps to be as open about your need for sex toys in the sack as you are about leaving beard hair in the sink. Once you have established trust and love, you both can open up about the things that are bothering you without fear. It’s about setting a foundation of openness.
A lot of people feel like there's something wrong in incorporating toys into couple sex - and that is incorrect thinking.
Some people are still a little bit scared of sex toys. The idea of ‘needing’ a tool to help bring a partner pleasure can feel like an affront on your sexual abilities. But that is definitely not true. Talking about bringing sex toys into your bedroom might be intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be. Sex toys are not a threat. They aren’t partner replacements. We should bring sex toys into our lives so that we can use them every day, and have open conversations about them.
Sex toys are low-key the last bedroom taboo that for many people. As a sex educator, I can assure you that plenty of people are still intimidated by them, however much I stress how important and magnificent they are.
For most women and clit-owning people, external clitoral stimulation is required in order to experience an orgasm. It is not optional. It is not something we’d maybe, kind of enjoy. It is ESSENTIAL.
And that’s why sex toys are kind of magical. Sex toys are designed to bridge the gap that is often formed when we have intercourse. Intercourse provides little (if any) clitoral stimulation. Sex toys are the helping hand we need. When you use a sex toy during partnered play, you can get that extra external stimulation - so that everyone can have an orgasm. That’s the kind of world we all deserve to live in.
There’s nothing wrong with having a routine (as long as everyone is completely here for it).
Listen, the only people who get to decide if your sex life is good or not are you and your partner (or partners). It's really not any one else's business. So, if you love your routine, are having a blast, are having lots of orgasms and enjoy your partner's moves (and visa versa) - keep going! There is nothing wrong with sticking to what works as long as everyone is happy.
But, keep in mind that who we are sexually often changes over time - just like we change in every other aspect of our lives. We grow! We develop different desires, fantasies, or levels of libido etc. We need to check in with our partners and make sure everyone is on the same page - and regularly! If we talk about this stuff with our partners on a regular basis, we can make sure you're both still loving your sex life. If not, you can make adjustments. And there is always something new to try so, don't worry about it. Where there is ENTHUSIASM, there is a way to make sparks FLY during sex.
It's when we don't talk about the things we want and let our desires go unfulfilled that resentment begins to fester on the surface. The real problem is not paying attention to your sex life, not the sex you're having.
XOXO GIGI
This article originally appeared as an interview with Vice Italy.