QUESTION: I’m worried about how having kids will affect my sex life. I’ve heard everything from a lack of sensitivity to pain to no sex drive. What’s up with that? Does your sex life get worse when you have kids? And how can you avoid this outcome?!

I’m fully aware there are new moms (and pops) looking at the headline of this article thinking: What in the actual hell are you talking about, Gigi? I’m exhausted, there is a pile of laundry the size of Brazil outside my washer, and everything in my closet smells like puke. What do you mean sex gets better AFTER kids?

And I totally understand where you’re coming from. When you first become parents, there is a big adjustment period. It’s no longer you and your partner getting freaky on a Tuesday just because you can, it’s now more about waking up at 5am for feedings. As little ones get bigger (and start running around) they can become even more exhausting.

But I can promise you that becoming a parent doesn’t mean your sex life is over. It doesn’t even need to mean it has to get worse.

There’s an assumption that once you have kids, sex goes out the window. The logic behind this farcical idea comes from the simple fact that once you become a parent, that’s all you’re supposed to be. It is an undeniable fact that being a parent doesn’t make you less human. Just because you have a new baby (or a few little ones) doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of being a fully functional, amorous sexual adult.

Here’s what you should know to make the most of the time you have with your BAE.

First of all, the desire for sex is not a “drive.”

We have to collectively agree to stop calling sex a ‘drive’. Sex drive is not a thing and calling it that and imbuing it with mystical powers that randomly come from nowhere for every person is unrealistic and will leave us all with blue balls and blue clits.

Sex is a reward system. The more good sex you have, the more good sex you want. If you’re having crappy sex, it’s likely that you’ll start to think of sex as generally shit and then won’t want to have it. Dr. Karen Gurney points out in her book, Mind The Gap, that the disparity we see in many heterosexual cis-women’s libidos is not because they are ‘less sexual’, but because they’re probably having lackluster sexual experiences.

And look, I’ll be the first to admit for the vast majority of people, having a healthy sex life is inherently a part of their happiness. Most of us need sexual fulfillment in order to feel fully like ourselves (with the partial exception of our pals in the Ace community). But this ‘need’, however great, is not a natural human drive in the same way that eating or sleeping is. Without proper nourishment and sleep you will most definitely die. This is not the case with sex - though it may feel that way sometimes. Trust me. I get it.

Why is this important to understanding how sex can improve when we have kiddos? Well, a good sexual relationship takes nurturing and love. It takes effort. It takes commitment. If there’s one thing new parents (and all parents, really) will tell you it’s that there is no time for anything and that you’re tired all the time. This will affect your natural urge towards sex - in order to keep the proverbial spark alive and to keep your sexual relationship intact, you and your partner need to recognize that sex needs to be prioritized and treat it as such.

Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.