Question: If you have a kink or fetish and your partner doesn’t share it - is the relationship doomed to fail?

Does a lack of kinky capability mean the relationship won't work?

Whether or not a kink will end a relationship entirely depends on the couples willingness to explore, in addition to how important kink is the person who enjoys it. If kink is something you absolutely need in your relationship in order to be sexually satisfied, you have to communicate that with your partner. Perhaps you could incorporate kink sometimes and not all the time, making room for everyone's desires.

Lastly, if your partner is completely against it or doesn't like it at all - there is an option to negotiate ways in which you can explore your kinks without them. This could be in a non-monogamous way or with a professional kink expert who you visit. There are plenty of ways to make this work - but it won't be doable for everyone. It takes a willingness to be courageous and try to find ways that work for everyone involved. If it turns out the kink is more important than the relationship and you can't find common ground, it may be time to rethink this particular relationship. This isn't a bad thing, but for many kinky people, it is central to who they are as a sexual human being - and when someone doesn't understand that, it can be very challenging (for both people).

If you are vanilla and struggle to understand your partner's fetish or kink, here’s what you can do.

Perhaps you could do some exploration and see if there are kinks the non-kinky partner might enjoy. A lot of vanilla-leaning people can find they actually have kinks they didn't know about. In such a sex repressed culture, we aren't taught to explore the shadow side of our desires. This is definitely worth exploring.

Advice for couples trying to communicate through these problems: Seek an outside person.

I think I have some stuff in the above for this - I'd see a professional kink-affirming person - a coach or a therapist who works with kink as a speciality (like me!) to have an outside party help you find common ground and negotiate boundaries.

XOXO Gigi

Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.