A guy’s guide to embracing your inner submissive
Question: I want to be submissive, but I’m so scared I’ll be judged by my partner. I don’t want them to be turned off by me. What do I do?
In order to get down and play with submission, you have to relinquish and let down the guard of societal norms of "masculinity." Being submissive means relishing in surrendering, relaxing, and being turned on by not being the one in charge during sex. It’s a chance to let go and surrender.
And this scares people a whole lot. A lot of men want to embrace and enjoy this side of themselves, but are worried about the ~social implications~ of handing over their power to a partner. It can feel too vulnerable, even when it’s something you desire very badly.
Why is it so frightening to want to embrace your inner sub as a cis-dude? In short, toxic masculinity. Some cis-men still think that being submissive is somehow “feminine” and that they aren’t real men if they enjoy this role.
Suffice to say, this is ridiculous. You’re not “less manly” just because you want to get pegged, tied up, or slapped while in the sack. In fact, the men who are able to embrace their sexual desires and have the confidence to explore are the ones showing true masculinity. To be that secure? Yeah, that is sexy as hell.
If being submissive is something you’ve been wanting to try, you’re in really good company. It’s totally normal, fun, and hot to want to get into this role. The key is embracing it to create an experience that feels right and pleasurable for you and your partner(s).
You may have a clear idea of how you see your submissive role or you may not right now. And that’s OK! Here is everything you need to know about submission in sex - and how you can play with it in a way that feels authentic to you.
What is a submissive?
Before being able to be submissive, it’s important to be clear about what a submissive is and what this role entails. This role can manifest in many different ways, depending on the people involved in the play. But, what it boils down to, really, is the consensual giving and receiving of power — power exchange, if you will. And with submission, we’re talking about consensually handing your power over to a partner.
The power exchange with submission can take place in vanilla/non-kinky sex, if one partner is being submissive to the other, but usually when we refer to this dynamic, we’re talking about BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism). The submissive role is one half of a Dominant/submissive (D/s) role play. The submissive hands over their power (with enthusiastic consent) to the Dominant partner. This should be seen as a gift — you’re handing your power over as a truly important gift to the Dom — one that signifies extreme trust.
The range of D/s activities is truly limitless, but you might get tied up, put in a cadge, spanked, and more. The sub may derive sexual pleasure from these activities, but not all D/s play involves sex.
The appeal of being submissive during sex.
Let’s get into the nitty-gritty here: The WHY. The reason for enjoying submission is rooted in giving up control.
For the cis-men folk especially, there is a desire to subvert socially prescribed gender roles. Cis-men are usually “dominant” — and to submit really turns this idea on its head. Through submission, you can subvert these roles, and embrace a side of yourself that isn’t traditionally expected (or accepted) of you.
And the taboo nature of this is freakin’ hot.
You’re able to relax for a hot minute. If you have a lot of responsibilities and expectations in your every day life, submission is a chance to let go of much of that and just “be.”
Lastly, the appeal of being a submissive can be plain ‘ol fun. Giving up your power in a trusting way to a Dom partner, engaging in agreed-upon activities that you enjoy is a good time. For example, you may like the sensation of being spanked or slapped, or receiving anal stimulation when you sub.
TL;DR: 1. Doing the opposite of what society tells you can give you the major horn. 2. Submission can be deeply relaxing. 3. Playing with power exchange is just baseline awesome.
4 ways to play with being the submissive in a safe way.
If you’re feeling inspired (and we hope you are), here’s what you can do to let your inner submissive run wild.
Do some research first.
The first step is to take some time individually to think about your desires and limits. This takes a bit of research.
If you’re interested in learning about BDSM and D/s play, check out this beginner’s course. It’s the perfect place to start. Part of learning is about understanding the risks and skills needed to do this play safely.
Get very clear about what you want (and don’t want).
Surprises are a no-go in this play. Scenes need to be highly negotiated beforehand. This takes clear and honest communication.
And be sure to have a safe word!
Take it slowly.
Taking things slowly is absolutely essential when you’re starting out with playing with the submissive. It is vulnerable territory (both emotionally and physically) and therefore it should be handled with caution and care.
Start with fantasy, dirty talk, and maybe some shared erotic content. Once you feel safe and comfortable, you can open yourself up to more advanced play.
Have a plan for aftercare.
Aftercare is the time post-scene where you take some time to come down and return to baseline. Emotions run high during D/s scenes and when you’re playing with power dynamics as a cis-dude, intense feelings can come up because of all that societal pressure around what it “means to be a man.” Be sure to have a nice cuddle, or a glass of water, and a debrief after sessions to make sure everyone is feeling safe and contained.
Remember, playing with the submissive does not say anything about who you are as a person. It simply means you enjoy certain kinds of dynamics in the bedroom. Everyone deserves to have the kind of sex they enjoy and to feel safe in expressing their desires.