We Need to Stop Normalizing “Bad Sex” For Women
QUESTION: Do women enjoy sex less than men?
A story came up in my Google alerts email (I have a tag for sex news) that got my attention last week and not in a good way. It didn’t fire me up or make me angry. It didn’t send me into any kind of rage. It made me sad. So, so incredibly sad. The story “10 Women Tell Us (Honestly) How Important Sex Is in Their Relationships” highlighted real stories from women. It showed up on my alerts so this is clearly trending - which is … giving me a lot of mixed feelings.
This first story immediately had my eyebrows raised and my brain going “Oh, oh no. That’s horrifying.”
Bethany, 31
The importance of sex has changed dramatically over the 13 years I’ve been with my now fiancé. In the beginning we had sex every time we saw each other, and then about every other day when we started living together in year five of our relationship. Now we have two children and I’m just not interested in sex at all, partly because I’m a lot less attracted to my partner after all these years together, but mainly because I have begun to resent him. This resentment has led me to using sex as somewhat of a bargaining chip and a way to hold power over him in the only way I know how. It’s not that we have a bad relationship per se but despite my warnings that he needs to step up I don’t get any support in parenting our children or in maintaining the home.
Using sex as a means of getting what I want doesn’t feel good, but when I withhold it from him and use it as a reward for helping me, I at least get the assistance I need. If I had it my way I just wouldn’t have sex at all, but the system I now have means I’m often eking it out to every three weeks. I know it can’t carry on this way, but there is going to have to be some major changes on his part before sex becomes important to me in the way that it once was.
And there are a few empowering, really great stories in there. But most of them are sad - they often speak with authority (see the one about the Christian woman and her boyfriend who decided sex was an addiction). This authority raised a lot of flags for me. It feels like normalization. Like they’re sure their path is correct and that this is just the way it is. Bethany’s story, for example, reeks of resigned sadness - like this is the way it happens in all marriages and oh well.
But this isn’t “oh well.” This is depressing as hell. And it highlights a fundamental lack of education and understanding around how desire, sexuality, and pleasure work inside of relationships.
I don’t mean to be hyper-critical of Stylist. I don’t think they meant any harm with this piece, but it does normalize this “Oh, too bad sex is only for men and women just don’t enjoy it that much” attitude. Like I mentioned, there are some good ones - which I appreciate - but most of these women need a good sex therapist, not a place to publicly vent their “normal” issues.
Healthy sex is not a bargaining tool. Healthy sex is not withheld for chores. No sex is addictive because that’s just not even backed by science.
In another story: “And since I had a surgery that’s allowed me to experience sex without much if any discomfort, we’re now able to be intimate more frequently and it’s only enhanced our relationship.” I’m really happy intercourse isn’t painful anymore, but clearly this woman does not understand that intercourse is not how the VAST majority of women and clit-owners have orgasms.
A lack of education and fundamental misunderstanding of how desire works has left many, many women (and men) in miserable sexual relationships. It leads to sexual draughts, cheating, resentment.
Look, I’m not saying sex is the most important thing in relationships, but it IS important. Intimacy is important. Female pleasure is important. Understanding that desire is not a drive, but born out of a reward system is important. The more GOOD sex you have, the more you want it.
What could that mean? It means a focus on female pleasure. It means understanding the clitoris. And it means giving people good, comprehensive sex education so that they don’t end up like half of the women in this editorial piece: Lamenting their sex lives and resigned to simply carry on.
Let’s reframe how we understand sexuality in relationships so we can all have joyful, wonderful sex lives that don’t focus on penises and other patriarchal bullshit that’s been poured down our throats since day one.
XOXO Gigi
This article originally appeared on The G-Spot newsletter. Subscribe below.
Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.