Should I Break Up with My Boyfriend?
QUESTION: I’M IN A SAME SEX RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND. WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER THREE YEARS. OVER THE LAST SIX MONTHS I’VE LOST ALL SEXUAL ATTRACTION TOWARDS HIM. THIS IS MOSTLY TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT WE HAVE VERY DIFFERENT SEXUAL DESIRES. I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AND WANT TO MAKE THIS WORK. IS THERE A WAY TO GET THE SPARK BACK?
In order to make this work, you need to invest in both of your desires and openly communicate. That’s really step one. You can’t change things about your sex life without talking about it. As much as we’d wish, our partners are not mind-readers. No matter how much you wish for them to invest in your sex life - it will not come true without both of you on the same page.
It might be time to seek some outside assistance. I’d seek out some outside help from LGBTQ+ trained sex coach or therapist to help you figure out ways in which you can relate to each other sexually.
Have you considered trying sex with other partners, together? It seems like bringing in others to the relationship is a viable way to make you more sexually aligned. There's nothing wrong with that at all, as long as you're both into it.
Expecting one person to meet all of our sexual, physical, emotional, and mental needs is fairytale bullshit nonsense that barely ever exists in the real world. Alternative relationship styles are perfectly valid and healthy as long as everyone involved is practicing safer sex and conscious openness.
If you’re not into that, that’s OK too. The point is to find a way to make your sex life click without costing you the entire relationship.
NRE IS THE SAUCE WE FALL FOR.
Here is the tea: Most people need novelty to stay sexually interested in their partner over a long period of time. A few years in is usually when some of those feel-good NRE chemicals wear off and shit gets real.
Mostly, I'd seek outside assistance and figure out a way to find things you can relate to sexually. Two people can be bottoms and be together, they just need to be willing to explore alternative options to satiate that need.
We all (well most of us) need exciting new things to keep us sexually interested. This is a combination of both not having your needs met in the first place and loss of sexual desire. When we're first in a relationship, we sometimes alter our sexual interest in order to be more aligned with our partner. It's a desire to make things work, even when it's not a perfect sexual fit. We need to be willing to be flexible.
IS IT TIME TO BREAK UP?
I don't think they need a nuclear option yet. There is definitely still hope and ways to find a new and exciting spark if both of you are equally committed to that process. This does mean being open and honest about your needs.
I wouldn't say something as straight up as "I'm not into you sexually," but rather something more about how you'd like to explore your shared desires to try different things in ways you can both enjoy. There's no reason it can't work as long as you put in the work to make it happen.
XOXO GIGI
This article originally appeared as an interview for Sexplain It!, a sex advice column for Men’s Health, written by Zachary Zane.
