QUESTION: I was in a relationship up until recently. She broke up with me after a long back-and-forth about wanting to be with me. She would go through periods of wanting nothing to do with me, rejecting me in every single way and then the next day she’d demand to see my phone and insist I was cheating on her. What really got to me in the end was our sex life. She knew sex was important to me and so she would deliberately hold it over my head. To her, I either wanted it too much one day or the next I didn’t want it enough. Either way, there was very little sex in the relationship. I’m wondering, am I an asshole for thinking she used sex to manipulate me? And why do I miss her so much??

Withholding is not the same as not having sex for personal reasons (we all have reasons we don’t have sex sometimes) nor is withholding not sharing someone’s feelings of love or affection. Withholding is different. It is when someone is using sex as a weapon. It is psychological abuse.

Sex is a powerful thing. To me, consensual sex is one of the most profound expressions of our humanity. And while sex has the potential to be full of pleasure and joy, it can also be violent. In extreme cases, sexual violence takes the form of assault or rape. But there are less clear ways sex can be used in violent way. In a physical sense, assault may be coerced sex or a boundary violation.

Withholding is sexual violence because the withholder is using sex to get someone to do something (or not do something) they want, without the other person’s consent. This is abusive. Sex turns from a beautiful way we express ourselves in a place of love, into something violent, when consent is absent.

I’m not talking about not being in the mood for sex, not having sex for personal or political reasons etc., I’m talking about actively having the intent to use to sex as a tool for your emotional gain, to the detriment of your partner.

Why would someone do this? Are they evil or what?

No. A person who uses withholding as a form of partner punishment is not evil. They may not even be aware of how harmful their behavior is. People who behave in this way do so because they are deeply traumatized from their early experiences of what it means to be sexual. Sexuality has not been something safe. Love has not been something safe. They may have a history of abuse, an absent parent, an unstable household etc.

Our romantic attachment styles are greatly influenced by trauma and it’s only through deep personal courage and a crap-load of therapy that we can even heal these wounds.

Does this sound familiar? Maybe you’ve done this in the past, or maybe you know someone who has dealt with this issue and wasn’t sure what it all meant.

What’s more, and something that disturbs to my bones, is that the act of withholding falls within the context of our toxic understanding of gender roles.

The social script plays out this way: A partner (male) wants sex. His partner (female) decides to give over the sex. She is giving and he is taking.

In this frame of thinking, sexual pleasure (and orgasm) is for the male and it is a reward given to him by the female (who presumably doesn’t enjoy it).

This socially scripted understanding of sex is deeply embedded within us from the time we have conscious thought. This shit runs deep, pals. Even in the most liberal, wildly sex-positive homes, we are not free from the influence of screens, of pop culture, of stick thin models with perfect skin trying to sell us shit we don’t need.

My point, little unicorn babe, is this: withholding is not an act of power. It is an act of struggle. It is a painful manifestation of someone’s inability to form stable, secure attachments with partners. And it is not your fault.

XOXO Gigi

This article originally appeared as part of The G-Spot Newsletter. Subscribe below for exclusive updates.
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