What is Fraysexuality?
Question: Is fraysexuality a real thing? Is it a part of the asexuality prectrum? Or this is just a thing people use as an excuse to hook up with randos and not commit?
What is “fraysexuality”?
Fraysexuality means that you are sexually attracted to people who don't know particularly well.
It's basically the polar opposite of being demisexual — in that a demisexual person is only sexually attracted to people when they have an emotional connection to that person — it’s when you’re attracted to someone that actually that you know quite well.
Where as, for a fraysexual person, they are somebody who the more they get to know somebody, the less sexually attracted they become to someone.
Due to this, a frayexual person may prefer to have when one-night stands, hookups, and more casual sex, as opposed to more committed longer term sexual relationships.
Can fraysexual people have long-term relationships?
With that being said, fray people can have and want long term relationships. It’s certainly not to say that ust because you have more sexual attraction to somebody who you know less, you can’t navigate a long term partnership.
That being said, there will likely have to be negotiation around sexuality and how that's going to be expressed because there is a likeliness that if you are fraysexual, your sexual attraction will dampen in a long term relationship. You can have successful long-term committed relationships, but the way relationships manifest may need some flexibility.
I think it’s likely that someone who is fraysexual may find a non monogamous relationship structure to be more in line with their sexuality. They may have a long term nesting partner, who they do or don't have sex with. They may have a committed relationship, but they may enjoy more short term sexual relationships outside of that nesting partner dynamic.
Now, this can happen within a trouple, quad, whatever dynamic that fosters more long-term relationships.But the fray sexual partner may need to have sexual exploration outside of that nesting partnership(s).
It’s not a bad thing at all. It’s just about boundaries and creating contexts that work for you. It’s important upfront about your sexuality looks like and what you need to build a relationship that works for you and your partner(s).
If you’re fray sexual does that mean you just don’t like your partner that much?
We tend to have a lot of stigma around an identity like fraysexal. There is a belief that someone may use a term like this in order to put off commitment or to excuse an avoidant attachment style.
But this is pathologizing and unhelpful.
Being fray sexual simply denotes that ways you relate to other people sexually. It doesn't mean that you don't care for other people. It's just that emotional depth is something that affects your sexual attraction to people. And, honestly, that’s just the way it is.
There is a great deal of shame and stigma around fray sexuality because of the (incorrect) implication that you can't form attachment or there is something wrong with you, but that's not true.
You can combat these incorrect notions by learning and understanding how your sexuality works sexuality, owning it and learning to communicate your needs in a that in a way that's feel authentic for you.
Partners may or may not be OK with being a relationship with given the context of your sexual attraction, but that doesn’t make being fray sexual a bad thing by any means. We’re all allowed to be or not be in relationships based on our own comfort and needs. Some will be down for your fray sexual way of being and some won’t be. That’s really not your problem, to be honest. You deserve to be with people who are down for your authentic self and want to find a way to build a relationship that works for both of you.
Fraysexuality and the ace spectrum.
Asexuality is a spectrum. Some asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction at all, some experience in varying degrees, and others only experience sexual attraction within certain contexts.
Fraysexual falls on the ace spectrum because it a fray sexual person’s sexual attraction is very context dependent. As a fraysexual, you experience sexual attraction only in a specific context of not having emotional attachment or a lot of knowledge about that person as a human.
As long as we take the time to really communicate our needs, wants, and desires — and accept our sexualities, we can find workable solutions.
We have to learn to be able to clearly communicate that and negotiate to find relational contexts that works for everyone. If you think you might be fray sexual, I recommend seeking professional help from a sex positive therapist so you can work through your feelings and sexuality order to find a way to express yourself in an authentic way.
We all just want to be seen and understood, after all.