Question: How can I tell if I’ve had an orgasm. Because I feel a lot of pressure, pleasure, and tension …but never that big EXPLOSION. Help!

You might be thinking: “Um. Anyone who’s had an orgasm knows what they feel like.” But, to be honest, that isn’t the case for everyone. 

And I actually wrote this exact thing about always being able to tell if you’ve had an orgasm, Once Upon a Time, and, like many of my pre-certification articles it is massively cringe and kind of shame-y. Basically, don’t read anything I wrote before late 2017, is all I’m saying. Thanks for never letting anything die, internet.

Anyway, back to business.

What an orgasm feels like is pretty subjective. It’s not a super-definable thing—and no two are the same. Well, that might be a bit of an overstatement, but that is to say that orgasms are as varied as the stars in the universe. And this can be both very cool and very confusing.

It all begins with the nuts (LOL) and bolts of how we respond to sexual stimuli. The sexual-response model was originally thought to happen in four phases, thanks to sex researchers Masters and Johnson: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

While this model has been updated to become more non-linear and to include desire as a stage of sexual response, orgasm has remained pretty consistent: the culmination of sexual tension that is released at the peak of sexual arousal. 

Sexual response, and the orgasms that often come with it, are part of a complex system. There is a ton of variance in human sexuality.

If you’re wondering what exactly happens when we have one off the wrist, look no further. The science of orgasm is something we could all do well to learn more about.

What Happens When You Orgasm

To understand orgasms, we need to understand their foundation: arousal. “Both people with penises and people with vaginas have erectile tissue. Erectile tissue contains capillaries with a unique feature. When you’re not aroused, the blood flows freely in and out, but when you are aroused, the blood goes in but not out. Erectile tissue filling with blood causes tissue to become “engorged,” which is what creates hard-ones (in both AMAB and AFAB bodies, btw).

All this blood creates the tension we mentioned above. And, when the tension is released, that’s an orgasm.

For people with vaginas, orgasm often is associated with rhythmic contractions of the vagina and pelvic floor, along with a sensitive clitoris, but this interesting factoid is not one-size-fits-all. It’s very important for our collective sexual well-being to de-pathologize sexual function and allow people to experience what they experience, without trying to shut them away into little boxes.

And for penis-havers, orgasm follows these same principles: Orgasm consists of rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor and a sensitive penis. Ejaculation and orgasm are, however, much more likely to occur at the same time for people with penises.

Other bodily things that occur during orgasm: increased breathing and heart rate, along with a rush of feel-good reward chemicals from the brain. Humans are nothing if not really cool.

Orgasm Intensity Is Varied

The old adage that orgasms are explosive, volcanic eruptions is bred out of a lack of good sex education and pornified depictions of sex. Yes, some orgasms are absolutely mind-blowing, but they fall on a massive spectrum.

Pleasure is, in fact, not an absolute when it comes to orgasms. The contractions that come with orgasm can be big, small, medium, legendary, not noticeable at all, more like a sneeze and release, etc. Lots of shiz is going on here, pals. Every one is different and that is the magic and frustration of being a human freakin’ being.

The intensity of an orgasm has a lot to do with how we want to experience them. It has a lot to do with context, the relationship you have with your partner and yourself, how relaxed you are, the messages you have around sex, the type of stimulation you’re currently getting etc. etc. THERE IS A LOT GOING ON.

Whether you have micro orgasms or orgasms that could melt your face off, you’re completely normal. Orgasms can be super fun, but at the end of the day: 

They’re a psychophysiological manifestation of sexual stimulation. All orgasms are perfectly normal, healthy, and good. No one is “better” than any other. It’s entirely subjective, tbh.

The Pathway to More Orgasms Is Not Thinking About Them

Removing penetration and focusing on sensation and touch can allow people to begin to reframe their relationship to and understanding of pleasure. It allows them to move away from social scripts and start to write their own, cultivating a new path for desire to form with mindful action and a willingness to be flexible. When orgasm isn’t the focus, orgasms have a place to happen. Anxiety and intense focus are the anti-orgasm recipes.

Here’s some piping hot tea: Orgasms are not “given.” Everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. This means your pleasure, advocating for what you need and want, and understanding how your body works is actually your job. Your partner is not a mindreader, and expecting that is going to lead to a lot fewer orgasms and a lot more discontent.

Lastly, if there is one thing you need to get to increase the likeliness of orgasm and PLEASURE: lube.

Not Everyone Has Orgasms (and They Can Still Have Great Sex)

People may have trouble orgasming. This is known as pre-orgasmia (also known as anorgasmia). These issues with orgasming usually occur even if the person is fully sexually aroused and receiving enough and the right kind of sexual stimulation. 

Pre-orgasmic people who were assigned female at birth often report a lack of adequate stimulation or arousal—and this is all surely related.

Orgasms themselves vary in intensity, but the absence of them entirely is considered a “problem,” as it can cause great distress. Studies suggest orgasmic dysfunction affects 11% to 41% of women.

Pre-orgasmia is a relatively common thing I see in my sex therapy practice. I’ve found taking orgasm off the table right away can be quite helpful. A lot of orgasmic functions can be rooted in feelings of shame or an inability to let go (the fear of a loss of control).

But, at the end of the day, orgasms are 

not everything. It’s absolutely possible to have incredible sex without orgasms. Let’s stop pressuring ourselves to be Perfect Sexual Beings and instead enjoy the wonderful and rewarding experience that sex can be. 

Get after it, mate. It’s about the journey, not the destination.

XOXO Gigi

A version of this article originally appeared on TheBody.

Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.