Question: My partner found out that I’m watching porn and really freaked out. She says I’m a porn addict and that this is cheating. What does this mean? Am I a porn addict.

It’s best just to be frank: Porn is not addictive, it does not melt your brain, and it isn’t some evil entity that ruins people’s lives.

Why are we so obsessed with blaming porn for so much that’s wrong with society? In short: Because we’re a sex-negative society and our sex-education system is an absolute dumpster fire.

David Ley, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of The Myth of Sex Addiction, told me in an interview that we’re still talking about “porn addiction” even though it’s not a medically recognized diagnosis because “porn is a sexy, shiny object that distracts us from talking about our social issues around neglecting sexual education and sexual health, or religious shame towards sex.” The work of Joshua Grubbs, Ph.D., a leading researcher on the subject, confirms this, finding that more religious people are likely to consider themselves “addicted” to porn, regardless of the actual amount of porn they use.

It’s how we feel about our porn use, not the porn itself, that is the greatest predictor of someone thinking they have a “porn addiction.” Using the term “porn addiction” takes away the agency of the individual, instead placing blame on the porn itself. Without having to interrogate our own feelings and behaviors in relation to erotic content, we can avoid taking any responsibility.

Another major driver behind the porn addiction infrastructure? Money. Nicole Prause, Ph.D., a neuroscientist and leading researcher in the area of porn, told me via email that there is a massive market to be exploited if we can create “treatment” around porn addiction. “These marketers spread false medical information about pornography in the hopes of selling their ‘treatments’ to the public, creating a flood of inaccurate information that pornography is addictive,” says Prause.

Silva Neves, an accredited psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist and author of Compulsive Sexual Behaviors, told me that “porn addiction” studies cherry-pick information, supporting the anti-porn agenda of the “researchers.” These “studies” are often conducted using small sample sizes and poor data-collection methods. They often take to “showing scans of brains, talking about dopamine to sound scientific, but largely [they are] sharing misinformation,” he says.

What’s more, the whole concept of porn addiction has very negative implications for the queer community. Within the porn addiction model, watching gay and queer content is considered an escalation. As in, if you’re watching queer porn, you’re more addicted and out of control. This, of course, is utterly ridiculous. If you’re watching porn that aligns with your desires and sexuality, nothing about that is an “escalation.”

Here are 4 truths about “porn addiction” to combat the myths. Let’s break them down so we can all have a better understanding of what’s going on here and how we can learn to accept ourselves just a little bit more.

XOXO GIGI

Part of this blog originally appeared on TheBody.