Question: My partner has recently told me that he wasn’t sure why I thought we were going to get engaged soon. He says he thought we both understood we were just having fun. I’m completely devastated, as we’ve both discussed marriage and children in the past. What is going on?

We’re all familiar with the soft-launch of a partner: suddenly, that IG pic of your morning coffee seems to have another person’s burry torso in the background. The hiking trip selfie has an undisclosed silhouette of a faceless person standing off to the side. Your Friday night taco feast has two baskets, but no indication of who is sharing them with you. You might introduce this mystery person to a close friend or two, but no major group hangouts. Your family probably has no clue they exist yet.

When we do this, we’re hinting that there is someone in our lives but aren’t sure it’s real or secure enough to fully announce it to the world. It’s a form of self-protection — a way of introducing someone adjacently into your life without the embarrassing social media scrub if things don’t end up panning out with this new boo. All in all, the soft-launched relationship is pretty harmless. No one is getting hurt, assuming you do eventually give your partner a hard launch after things get solid. 

Now, allow me to introduce you to the soft-launched relationship’s evil cousin: the soft-launched breakup, when someone starts to set the stage for a breakup without doing the ACTUAL breaking up, which is both incredibly brutal and common. This is seriously destabilizing and is a form of gaslighting. 

Here is everything you should know about the soft-launched breakup — and what to do if you think it’s happening to you.

OK, what does a soft-launched breakup mean, really?

This is what a soft-launched breakup (SLB) looks like, in a nutshell: it’s a form of gaslighting and manipulation designed to set the stage for a breakup, without doing the emotional labor of actually breaking up with someone. 

Your partner (usually a serious partner) starts to hint or directly state that things aren’t as serious as you believed they were. 

They may start making comments like: 

• We’re just having fun. 

• Oh, I didn’t know you thought we were that serious. 

• I assumed we were on the same page that we were taking things slow.

• I didn’t think we weren’t allowed to see other people. 

• I’m not looking to settle down anytime soon.

Your presence begins to fade from their social media. Your invitations to gatherings of friends and family dwindle. Essentially, it entails a partner gaslighting you into thinking that you were mistaken about where this relationship was headed. It forces you into a state of insecurity, where you begin to question your own memory and reality. 

And let us tell you, that is super destabilizing. It can make you feel completely off-kilter and you might even start to question your own sanity. It’s an extremely toxic way to try to end something with someone.

If someone is very crafty, they may even get their partner to feel so fed up with their emotional distancing that they get them to do the breaking up, saving them dealing with the emotional fallout of dumping someone. This is a way to avoid feeling like the ‘bad guy’ at the end of a relationship — a way to feel like you’re not someone who brutally dumps people.

An SLB can happen in any relationship construction While consensual non-monogamy folks often pride themselves on being top-notch communicators, they aren’t immune to relationship fuckery. This can legit happen to anyone, in any form of relationship.

Why would anyone do this?

It can be easy to simply say that a soft-launcher is an a-hole or a coward, but this isn’t fair. The reasons we behave the way we do are complex. Oftentimes, it has to do with conflict-avoidance, fear of vulnerability and not knowing how to articulate our needs in a constructive way. 

A soft-launch is often a last resort when we don’t know how to set boundaries in our relationships. When we can’t set boundaries, we become overwhelmed without them and may eventually try to flee a situation when we get stifled. 

What’s more, I should really note that sometimes a person may favor an SLB because they themselves are in a toxic situation. It might be a way to get someone to breakup with you if you think the situation is dangerous, too. This is just something to think about. All of this is to say: It’s f-ing complex.

And sometimes a person who throws out an SLB may think this is a way to make the situations less painful. But the reality is, being served (or serving) an SLB is pretty sucky. The hard truth: there is no pain-free way to end a relationship. 

How to tell if this is happening to you.

It can be challenging to know when this is happening. We want to see the best in our partners. We want to believe that we’ve misunderstood and they aren’t really trying to end things, especially if we’re still invested in the relationship. 

Here are some signs that your partner is soft-launching your breakup. Keep in mind these aren’t fool-proof (people are complicated), but they can serve as a catalyst to starting an open and honest conversation:

• They stop texting as much/don’t respond as often.

• They’ve stopped initiating dates and/or sex.

• They still share loads of photos on the socials, but you’re not in them anymore.

• They stop inviting you to parties/gatherings.

• They stop making time for you.

• They stop all conversations about the future. 

• They stop sharing their whereabouts and leave you guessing where they are.

• They stop showing a lot of physical or verbal affection.

Starting a conversation with your partner to get the clarity you need.

The thing about relationship discontent is that you can feel it. If you think something is wrong, it probably is. The real question: what is next for this relationship?

If you believe you’re in the midst of an SLB, having a solid and straight ward conversation is the only way forward, no matter how uncomfortable or awkward. You need to ask. Ask them direct, non-judgmental questions such as:

What’s next for us?

Do you see a future for us?

I’ve noticed XYZ things recently in our relationship. What does this mean?

If you come to this conversation with curiosity and empathy, you may find they actually have other things going on in their lives and just weren’t sure how to handle them. It’s not always a soft-launched breakup, but it’s definitely best to be clear on what is and isn’t going on.

If it does, in fact, turn out that they’re looking for an end, that’s okay. If things end, it won’t kill you. This is a reflection of where you partner is in their lives, not on your lovability as a person.

You’re better off being with someone who is able to meet you at your emotional level. You deserve someone who is as invested as you are. It’s definitely better to be on the hunt for love than to be in a relationship where you’re starving for it.

XOXO GIGI

Part of this blog originally appeared on InsideHook.