Question: I’m not entirely sure what kind of sex life I want to have and feel like I don’t know where to start. How do I figure out what I want so I can have a healthy sex life and stronger relationships?

We put so much emphasis on our “values.” Whether in life, work, or love, nearly all of us have been encouraged to explore what is important to us. This same enthusiasm is not extended to sexuality. Why? Because we’re not a society that thinks sex is all that important. Other things are always given priority, like work, kids, school, paying the bills, and exercise. These things are always seen as more important than our sex lives.

Needless to say, it really shouldn’t be this way. Just like having values in life, we need to have core values when it comes to sex. Sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Understanding what these values are is crucial to developing stable relationships.

If this is all sounding like a lot of philosophy without a ton of practicality, hang in there. This stuff takes patience and practice - and a whole lot of self-reflection.

What are sexual values?

At this point, you may be wondering how your “values” can be extended into sex. And that’s why we’re here: To give you that sweet tea. It’s quite simple when you break it down.

In a nutshell: sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Sexual values are a special subset of values that specifically pertain to sexual behaviors, turn-ons/offs, and pleasure.

We humans are not a one-size-fits-all kind of crowd. We all want and need different things from sex. Everyone has a unique set of values based on what matters to them as a sexual being.

Essentially, what determines your sexual values is how you feel about sex and what makes sex the best it can be for you. As with all our values, we need to think about our sexual values, codify them, and apply them to our lives to obtain and sustain the most desirable sex lives (and sexual partners) possible. Sex is just as important as all other aspects of life and it deserves attention.

How sexual values develop

While on the journey to understand what your sexual values are, you may want to consider how your feelings about sex itself have developed and grown throughout your life. There is a whole boatload of external and internal factors that lead us to develop certain attitudes about sex.

Let’s break down external factors and internal factors. 

External factors are those that come from outside of us. These include messages we received in childhood about sex, what our partners believe about sex and pleasure, and, maybe most critically, the type of sex education we received. As for internal factors, these are what’s going on in that cute little mind and body of yours. These include your general temperament, your willingness to explore novelty, and your libido.

This can get messy when we have received negative or critical messages about sex and our value as sexual beings. If we come from a background of sex-negativity (which, to be honest, basically everyone does), determining what actually makes “good sex” can be terribly confusing and even distressing.

Start by thinking about some of your “bad” or unsatisfactory sexual experiences - excluding situations where assault occurred. The negative feelings that occurred during or post sex can help indicate conflicts within a sexual value system. Since our emotions are our internal navigation system, a negative feeling during a sexual experience may be the result of doing something that is not in line with our values.

It’s important to take time to figure out those feelings, why they happened, and how to avoid them in the future is a pivotal part of unpicking where your values are based.

Why it’s important to have strong sexual values

Understanding our sexual values can help us have better, more fulfilling sex lives - and better, more stable relationships with our partners (casual, serious, or otherwise). Many of us have sexual desires that go against the sex-negative messages we grew up with, and when we don’t know what our sexual values are because of these conflicts, it makes making sexual decisions difficult.

When it comes to partners, feeling confident with our sexual values will help identify red flags in ill-suited partners, while encouraging the development of authentic connections with partners who are better matches for us.

These values are important because they allow us to have sexual connections and relationships that help us feel satisfied and sexually fulfilled, and can create strong, healthy sexual and romantic relationships. Sharing sexual values, providing a language and shared scaffolding to your sexual desires, wants, and general framework.

Questions to ask yourself when discovering your sexual values

Most people don’t have an answer to questions like: What matters to you in a relationship? What matters to you during sex? What do you like about sex? What makes sex good for you? What is an ideal experience?

These are all questions you can (and should) ask yourself when you’re attempting to figure out your values. Think about the values you have in other areas of your life - then consider these values in the realm of sex. Journaling can be very beneficial here because it puts all your thoughts into writing. 

Consider these prompts:

Things that are a hot yes in a partner are... Things that are a hell no in a partner are... My sexual non-negotiables are... What I most need to feel sexually and erotically satisfied is..., The emotional needs that need to be met in my sexual relationship are..., If I could only have the sex and intimacy that nourished my soul and lit me up, it would be…

From here, you can start to discern certain patterns, words, and behaviors that seem to follow positive and negative experiences. And from there, you can distill what core values might be for you.

This is a core concept for coming into your own as a fully realized sexual being. It’s all about the journey and we have to be willing to look inward and self-reflect to get the most out of this wild ride.

XOXO Gigi

This article originally appeared on TheBody.

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