Question: I rarely get horny for my partner anymore and our sex life is suffering. What can I do about it?

We tend to really oversimplify sexuality. Most of us will be horny little beasts at some point or another, just wanting to get our rocks off ASAP, but we should take a second to actually ask why this even happens. And what about those times when your dick gets hard (or your vagina gets wet) and you think, “What’s happening there? What do you see, friend?”

Sexuality is a complex manifestation of biological, social, and psychological factors. If we break it down into simple terms: There is the brain bit (sexual urges/desires) and the body bit (sexual arousal). Together, they form sexuality.

These two bodily functions happen as part of one sexual system, but each has unique attributes. They can occur in tandem or separately. When one happens without the other—for instance, if a vagina-owner gets physically aroused but doesn’t feel sexual desire—this is called “arousal non-concordance.” It’s incredibly common and will happen to every human being at some point in their lives.

While it can certainly be hard to figure out the differences between these two complex processes, it’s super critical that we understand them because we need to understand what makes us tick in order to fully explore our sexual potential. This is how we become whole, happy sexual beings. And you deserve that.

Sexual Arousal Happens in the Body

Arousal is the physical bit. It is all the ways your body responds to sexual stimuli. It is characterized by hardening of the penis, increased heart rate, and blood flow  (for AMAB folx). Similarly, in the AFAB people, the vaginal canal becomes wet and the clitoris and labia swell. 

Arousal is the physical, animal-level horniness. It’s also referred to as “spontaneous arousal.” This horniness may lead us to find a source of “relie,” either on our own or with a partner. You know, an orgasm!

Now, to be clear, the brain is still involved in this physical arousal as well. The brain needs to be notified that physical sensations are happening in order to send the proper signals to start the sexual arousal process.

You can think of physical arousal as being body-based, with a brain chaser.

Sexual Urges Happen in the Brain

Sexual urge is the psychological process that leads to desire. You start thinking about (or see something) sexual, and the cogs in your brain start moving. When sexual response begins in the brain, we call it “responsive desire.”

A sexual urge is similar to any other urge. For instance, you may have an urge to eat chocolate cake or have an urge to take a nap. A sexually-based urge is one that makes us want to engage sexually in some way—either with a partner or by ourselves. We may also not wish to act on the urge at all, simply engaging with the desire for desire’s sake, allowing it to wash over us and die down. Desire is the brain portion of sexuality.

Desire is borne out of all the thoughts, feelings, wants, fantasies, etc. that you have. It is based on things that happen in your mind. Once this urge is sparked in the brain, it sends a signal to the genitals to get that blood flowin’.

You can think of a sexual urge as being brain-based with a body chaser. It’s all part of the process.

The Similarities and Differences Between Desire and Arousal

The entire body and all of its nerve endings and pathways are connected through the spinal cord (the grand messaging system of the body). Your brain interprets sexual touch as sexual, as long as it takes place in a relaxed context. It then sends a message to the genitals that they should start the arousal process. This can also happen in reverse. Figuring this out is mad beneficial because when you know this about yourself, you can work with your own sexual scheme to “hack” horniness - if you don’t experience “horniness” particularly often.

Instead of feeling that fire-in-your-belly horniness, you might want to have sex for other reasons. You want to do it because you want to have an orgasm, you want to reconnect physically with your partner, or you want to let off some steam. This means you have a desire to engage with sex because you’re open to becoming physically aroused. In this calm mindset, you’re responsive to touch, and the touch leads to physical arousal. Humans are very weird and very cool.

We can feel desire without arousal, and arousal without desire. Think about desire the way you think about food. Your mind might want a piece of chocolate, but your stomach says “Nah, not into it.” In this same way, sex may sound like fun in our heads, but our body does not want to take action. This could be due to a variety of factors such as stress, relationship difficulties, illness, pain, or a lack of time.

Why It’s Important to Understand the Difference

We need to understand how all of this works because self-knowledge forms the foundation for great sex. 

Figuring out all of these fundamentals in sex can help us learn about ourselves as sexual beings - both alone and with our partner. 

Spontaneous desire naturally fades over the course of relationships. It doesn’t mean sex can’t be amazing, it just means we need to tap into all that tasty responsive desire to keep the flames blazing. If we actually understood responsive desire, far less people would feel broken - and more people would be able to stoke the intimate flames by using their self-knowledge to engage with sex in a different way. This would lead to much better sex lives for everyone.

Sexuality is a beautiful part of being a human being. The more you understand yourself, your turn-ons, and what your subjective sexual life needs to thrive, the better sex you’ll have. And the more orgasms, too!

XOXO Gigi

A version of this article originally appeared on TheBody.

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