QUESTION: Should you break up with someone if you sleep with them and the sex isn’t good?

Sexual compatibility refers to partners having shared or similar sexual needs, including sexual preferences, turn-ons, and desired frequency. This can be misleading, as in the beginning of relationships, we're flooded with New Relationship Energy so often we might think we're more seually compatible with someone than we would be after all the feel-good hormones calm down - especially in regard to frequency of sex.

It also refers to "chemistry" during sex - which means a lot of the same levels of attraction physically to the other person and feeling a lot of desire. This can also be problematic, as we sometimes go after people who we feel are sexually compatible with us and don't take time to consider if they would actually make a good partner. If you're just looking for sex, this is totally fine, but if you're hoping for something more, compatibility shouldn't be the only thing you consider.

Sexual compatibility can be very exciting and hot, but it can also cloud judgement and lead to untenable situations. It's often part of out "gut feeling," which may feel like intuition, but really when we feel a super strong attraction to someone, it is a part of our attachment system. A person who we find compatible will trigger our attachment system and make us think we're perfect for each other. But what is actually happening is that your nervous system is recognizing something familiar - meaning it recognizes things about this partner that are similar to your primary caregivers or your past relationships. This can be a good thing if you have secure attachments with your caregivers and past relationships, but can lead to patterns of ending up in not so good relationships if you have anxious attachment.

Only you get to decide if you don't want to see someone again after having sex with them - but sex is a practice. The first time you have sex with someone, it isn't super likely that it's going to be mind-blowing. Your partner doesn't know your body and you don't know theirs. You need time to learn what the other likes and help them figure out what you like. Compatibility can absolutely grow over time. If you break up with everyone who doesn't blow your mind in bed the first time, your likelihood of finding a stable and rewarding partnership are certainly going to be negatively impacted.

The biggest misconception about sexual compatibility is that if it isn't there right away, the relationship is doomed. This is very damaging thinking. Putting so much pressure on sex, especially when you've only just met someone, sets you up for disappointment. It's quite possible that you're flooded with feel-good hormones while your attachment system is fired up. It feels great in the beginning but if you have a pattern of going after the same bad relationship, this is the way we stay in those patterns.

And, honestly, when we have incredibly hot connections with someone right away, this isn't likely to last over the long-term. 

Much of this comes out of a misunderstanding of the nature of human desire.  There are two kinds of desire: Spontaneous (horniness) and Responsive (desire that is a response to sexual stimuli or sensation. Horniness is legit the only kind of desire we ever hear about, but it’s responsive desire that is the foundation of long-term relational health. Responsive desire is desire that is triggered, nurtured, and needs tending to. Having insanely hot attraction to someone is temporary and doesn't tell you a whole lot about how they are as a person or a partner.

Now, if you work on the sexual relationship and it just isn't working, this is definitely a legitimate reason for ending a relationship, if that's what you want. Sexual connection is very important and if you truly feel there is no way you're going to be able to overcome it, that's OK. This person might not be for you. Not everyone is right for every person.

You can build sexual connection by taking time to foster it. You can try different things in bed, be open-minded, and above all: Communicate. You need to feel safe with the person to be open about building sexual chemistry together. We aren't automatically good at sex - especially with a new partner. Sexual skill is learned behavior. We need to be able to take in information, communicate with empathy, and figure out what works and what doesn't.

This, of course, takes a willingness to actually try. If you don't want to try, that's OK, too. You're the captain of your own ship. Some relationships, no matter how hard we try, can't build a sexual connection.

Not everyone works for every person. I don't want to undersell the importance of a good sex life because it is hugely important. I simply think we need to take so much pressure off the need to have a white hot connection right away, and make room for the nuance that building a good sex life with someone. 

XOXO GIGI