Question: I consider myself a sex positive person, but I find this causes problems for me on the apps. I’ll start talking to someone and as soon as they find out what I do for a living (I’m a sex educator), they think it’s free terrain to push me to sext. if I’m not down I’m asked “aren’t you sex positive?” I don’t know. I feel conflicted. Like, am I stills sex positive if I don’t want to sext right away? Is this a red flag?

OK, real talk. Is it a red flag if someone tries to start sexting really soon after you start talking? This writer did a Twitter poll of 96 people asking this question, with results finding that 67.4 percent of people answered ‘Yes’ and 32.6 said ‘No.’ While this is a small sample size, it does indicate this is worth examining. 

This question may prove especially complicated for women, femmes, and AFAB people who consider themselves to be sex-positive. 

The moral quandary being: If I’m sex positive, does that mean I need to be willing to be open about all things sex, all the time? There can be a certain pressure to be super “open” at the expense of your boundaries.

While this question of “sex talk/red flag” can certainly apply to anyone, of any gender – it appears to be most common when we’re talking about interactions between cis-men and women/femmes/AFAB folx. At least, anecdotally. With the ubiquity of gay hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff, the MLM (men who love men) community seem to follow different guidelines – ones where sex and hookups are often the center of the most interactions on the apps. While this certainly deserves interrogating, that is a topic for another day.

For now, we’re going to examine this question within a specific context: You (an AFAB person) are looking for a real relationship and the person you’ve connected with on an app seems great, but they want to start talking dirty right away.

What should you do? Let’s investigate. 

Is it a red flag if someone wants to sext right away on a dating app?

This is, of course, a tricky question because it’s entirely based on your comfort levels and what you’ve said you’re looking for in your app profile and/or to this person directly. 

it comes down to what you’re looking for. If you’re looking to specifically DATE and someone comes right out of the gate wanting to sext, you should be cautious. The alarms should start going off. 

This kind of blunt approach can often mean that the other person is looking for something more sex-focused and casual, which may not be in-line with what you’re looking for.  Obviously if the vibe is right and you want to sext, that’s one thing — but still. Of course, it isn’t always true that someone who asks to sext is only interested in sex – but it’s certainly worth considering when it’s already hard enough out here as it is. 

Ask yourself: Am I comfortable doing this? Does it excite me to consider doing this? Or is this something I may be considering because I don’t want to seem like I’m a prude, rather than coming from a place of authenticity? 

Listen to your gut and follow what feels right for you.

You’re not a prude for having boundaries (even if you have sex positive values). 

In the year of our lord, 2024, we live within a very confusing social context that calls us “prudes” for not being down to get sexual on the one hand, while slut-shaming us for being ‘too open’ on the other. The markers for what is acceptable are always moving, making finding solid footing in our own understanding of our sexualities really difficult.

The idea that you should ‘always be down to talk about sex’ is problematic because while you may be entirely sex-positive, and of the belief that sexuality is an important part of the human experience – one that should be talked about freely and without shame - this doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to engage with sexual content or conversations in a way that feels safe and authentic to you. Being sex positive does ≠ having no boundaries around sex and sexual conversations. 

The most telling thing is how a person responds to you when you tell them you’re not quite ready for that kind of conversation yet.  If they’re kind and empathetic about your not wanting to sext, that’s great — they’re clearly a cool person. If they act weird, shame you, or ghost — well, good riddens to old rubbish, I say.

We live in a world that doesn’t value sexuality as something to be understood and investigated. We’re not given the tools we need to openly have conversations about sex. This, combined with male privilege, might be why a cis-guy who comes across a sex positive woman on a dating app might suddenly think that going right into sexting is appropriate. He lacks the basic knowledge and language to understand that ‘sex positive ≠ up for anything, anytime.’ 

Being sex positive simply means valuing sexuality and thinking it’s important — not that you’re boundriless. 

If you’re OK with talking about sex, but want to make sure that isn’t ‘all this is.’

It’s also totally possible that you’re down to sext, but want to be sure that this isn’t a gateway to keeping things permanently casual. We may worry that by engaging in sexually explicit conversation too soon, we might spoil our chances at cultivating something more long-lasting. This comes out of long-held social scripts that indicate that men are the ‘pursuers’ of sex and women are the ‘givers’ of sex. 

You can step out of these scripts and into sexual autonomy by owning your power and being crystal clear about your concerns. You can straight-up say: I’m open to sexting, but this is a way for me to get to know someone better, with the knowledge that we’re both looking for something more serious. 

Lastly, remember that there is no right way to practice sex positivity and there is no ‘right amount of time’ to wait before sexting someone. What’s important is that you’re engaging in a way that feels safe for you, and free from pressure. Only you get to make those choices. Don’t let anyone try to make you feel badly for being true to yourself – and if they do, ditch them.

XOXO GIGI