QUESTION: I want to be sex positive, but being a man makes me feel really left out and like I’m not welcome. Why are men left out of the sex positivity movement? It feels like a club we’re not allowed to enter.

Look, I love men. I so very much want everyone to be included in the sex-positivity movement. There is space for one and all. I know this is difficult for some cis-men, as they constantly feel “attacked” by women and queer folx.

The problem? Toxic masculinity is the very reason why it feels like there is little space for cis-men amongst sex positive folx. When a group of people (men) constantly crosses boundaries and is known for harming people, they get a reputation. They force women and queer folx to always be on guard, ready to fight or flight at a moment’s notice. The nervous system feels dis-regulated. We feel on edge. Cis-men heterosexual men don’t know what this feels like. There is a disconnect when one group has always felt in control and safe while the other has felt afraid and like they don’t have any say in what happens to them. You feel me?

This got me mulling over a friendship from some years ago, back in my Elite Daily days. This is a story the illustrates why men so often are left out of the inner circle of the sex positive group, a story about crossing boundaries, and harming others due to sheer entitlement. It was a male/female friendship, one that burned brightly for a few months before dying quietly with a string of unanswered texts.

He wanted to f*ck me, and I wanted literally nothing less.

I thought he and I had made it past it that “sexual undercurrent” phase - something so many women and those raised female feel obligated to conquer. I’d been clear about my feelings and about how I felt about us having sex - in the sense that I did NOT have interest in it. I really believed we were just friends, and everything was fine. As it turned out, I grossly misinterpreted our friendship. His desire for sexual interaction was still there; the only reason it was not taking place because I didn't want it. Or, should I say, it didn’t take place when I was sober.

Whenever I was wasted (this guy was a favored drinking buddy), I guess I "lead him on" somehow by just being friendly, and he misinterpreted those signals as me wanting to hook up. It’s always the foreboding onus, right? The self-blame. The feeling like we’re responsible for the harm that befalls us.

And, like many people, when I'm drunk, I'm easily coerced into a lot of stupid things, such as hooking up with someone I have no interest in. Always seems like a good idea under the influence. It is also always rape.

He wasted no time trying to jump at the opportunity to take advantage of my intoxicated poor decision-making. I have a persistent feeling there were times when I wasn’t even conscious enough to say yes or no when he assaulted me. I can feel it in my bones. It never goes away.

When you're under the influence, fully animate or not, you are not in the right mind to give consent. My choice to drink and be friendly does not mean I made a choice to f*ck him.

My other friends saw his inappropriate behavior happening at parties. They repeatedly told me my "friend" was being a goddamn creep and was handsy and gross when I was drunk. They told me to ditch him.

So, after one-too many of these drunken public occurrences, I decided I had had enough. What my friends didn’t know was that he had raped me. Several times. And I kept hanging out with him because I thought I had brought it upon myself. I thought I had gotten it wrong, that I had asked for it.

For a long time, I blamed myself for sending these so-called "mixed signals." I felt bad for him. I felt like he just needed a friend. He needed me to be there for him. And then I was like, Wait no. I’m in no way obligated to f*ck a guy just because he is misinterpreting my drunken friendliness as sexual desire. 

Somehow, it was my fault for not wanting a sexual relationship, as opposed to his fault for not wanting a friendship with me.

As Scientific American so eloquently puts it, in male and female friendships:

“the possibility remains that this apparently platonic co-existence is merely a facade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.”

It feels like friendship is NEVER enough, is it? Friendships between men and women are possible almost entirely because women don't reciprocate their straight male friends' desire to f*ck.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t always true. Of course men and women can be just real-ass friends, but this is so much rarer than the more sinister form these friendships take. It takes a man really truly getting and knowing that women are humans and that isn’t what the narrative our society has spoon-fed us. It just isn’t.

Most men act like they are "friend-zoned" if a woman doesn’t want to be more than friends. It's as if a woman’s friendship is an insult, as if it is some kind of distasteful consolation prize. If we don’t offer to f*ck a guy, or agree to f*ck a guy, we’re doing something wrong. We are the gatekeepers of the male libido. We are the omnipresent Tease.

When you’re in this disorienting situation as a woman, suddenly everything you do becomes a series of “mixed signals,” and you’re being “unfair” when you’re just literally being yourself and trying to have a normal friendship with someone who is putting a bunch of pressure on you for more - pressure you never asked for.

It is far too often that we’re valued for sex over our personalities, and that, my friends, is truly disgraceful.

And this is why I need feminism and why I need sex-positivity. Because what the actual f*ck kind of world do we live in where this is the reality women face on a daily basis?

I want cis-men in the sex-positivity movement. Guys, I want you here. I want you all here. I applaud those cis-men who stand up against the cis-normative bullshit and fight for equality. I just wish there were more of you.

The only way we’re going to be able to let our collective guards down and invite straight men to engage with us in a way that allows us feel safe (and be safe) is if we stop teaching men that they have a right to women’s bodies. That women are objects. That we are there to feed their desire.

Otherwise, this separation will go on. Toxic masculinity is dangerous and it’s going to take a full reframing of our cultural understanding of what it is to “be a man” before change can happen. I think men are rad, but I think that most of them are not where they need to be to join us yet. If this offends anyone,

I don’t really give a shit. If you’re offended, take a look in the mirror. Where is this anger coming from? What are YOUR values? Ask yourself. It’s only when we look at our own internal compass, question our belief systems, and be willing to challenge convention that we figure out where we need work on ourselves. Myself included, trust me.

XOXO Gigi

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