QUESTION: I feel like my partner and I are stuck in a makeup sex-fight-makeup sex- cycle and I can’t get out of it. Help!

Let’s set the scene, shall we? You know I love a little drama.

You’ve had a terrible, intense, screaming fight with your partner. You’ve finally chilled out and calmed down a bit. You’re ready to make up. You both come together after a bit of cautious texting. Suddenly, the intensity of your feelings—the anger from the fight, the love you have for your partner, and your own hurt—becomes a cyclone. You tear each other’s clothes off and have the hottest, most passionate sex.

Ah, makeup sex. It is possibly the only fun part about having a fight. 

You’re so juiced up on feelings that your body becomes wrought with passion. Let’s break this whole relational phenomenon down. 

How toxic is this shit? Can it ever be a good thing? Let’s explore further.

What makeup sex is and why it can feel so f-ing good.

Makeup sex is kind of one of those weird human occurrences where you know what it is when you have it, but you’re not sure what it is outside of that specific context. So what even is makeup sex?

The definition is pretty simple. Makeup sex is that mega hot, intense, emotionally charged sex we have after a big fight. 

The excitement and fear brought on by fighting can then lead to a physiological response. Makeup sex has such an overwhelming pull to it because when we seek sex from partners post fight, we are firing on all cylinders. Our minds and bodies are on high alert and we are HERE for the intensity. 

Now, this is where it gets juicy. This heightened arousal state comes from the “fight or flight” response. This is when our nervous systems sense fear. And in this state we can become rather animalistic and passionate. It’s a state of raw emotion.

But makeup sex isn’t the same for everyone.

We need to remember that makeups are not one-size-fits-all. Like all experiences, people will feel differently about them. Some people may love the intense passion of makeup sex, and others may be completely put off of sex after an emotionally fraught fight. Dixon assures that the way you feel about it is normal and it’s simply important to take some time to check in with yourself and your feelings.

You might even have makeup sex in order to reconnect with your partner with tenderness and affection, rather than one of pure animal passion. 

The point is: There is no one “right” way to feel because humans are far too complex for such a reductive explanation.

Makeup sex: The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Can makeup sex ever be healthy for your relationship? It’s the ultimate query. The answer: Yes and no.

Having sex can be a healing experience, renewing a sense of closeness. It can be a time to reconnect and heal through bodily connection when your emotions are still in a tornado of intensity. 

Basically, it can be a way for your bodies to talk to each other after your brains have had enough.

The problem with makeup sex arises when it becomes an ingrained pattern within the relationship. It’s not great when it is the only way we have conflict resolution. We simply can’t survive on a diet of intense anger and intense passion because it’s not balanced.

Makeup sex can be great, but if we don’t actually fix the stuff we were fighting about in the first place, we can end up in some seriously bad patterns. 

All in all, while it can be hot, makeup sex is something to be wary of—and should only be a part of an overall communication strategy. But it shouldn’t be the ONLY strategy for mending ruptures in your relationship. 

So, you’re stuck in a fight-makeup sex-fight-make up sex loop. Now what?

If you and your partner(s) are doing a lot of fighting and a lot of making up, it might be time to start thinking about the big picture.

It may be time to seek the help of a qualified coach or therapist, as these patterns tend to run deep and require some outside assistance to be resolved in a healthy way. 

This is a way for y’all to go deeper and explore the triggers and wounds that are causing the fighting in the first place. We can all use a bit of emotional support. 

Makeup sex can have benefits, but it isn’t for everyone or every relationship. It can be helpful for some and toxic for others. There is no one-size-fits-all in this thing called love, my friends.

There isn’t a right or wrong answer when it comes to makeup sex, because only you and your partner decide how to fight and how to make up. It’s about asking yourself what works for you and taking time to really think through and process what works best for your relationship overall.

XOXO GIGI

Part of this blog post originally appeared on TheBody.