QUESTION: I’m wondering if it’s normal to be turned on by being called a good girl. Like, why do I love it so much? Am I weird?

I’m officially declaring 2023 The Year of The Praise Kink. If you’re a good boy or a good girl, this one’s for you. 

There’s been a lot of chatter over the interwebs about praise kinks. Many self-identified kinksters have been asking if the media popularity surrounding the praise kink is really just about people wanting to be treated nicely — and then identifying that being a kink. There appears to be a gentle nod to the low-bar dating expectations that are the reality of today. (Depressing.)

Let’s clear something up: Praise kinks aren’t just compliments. They aren’t just enjoying being told nice things. After all, it’s a pretty universal human feeling to enjoy being complimented and told how bomb we are. A praise kink goes well beyond that. 

So, what is a praise kink and how is it different from saying nice stuff to someone? I break it down below.

OK, so what even is a praise kink?

A praise kink falls under the bigger BDSM umbrella. A kink is a typically non-sexual behavior that turns us on. Examples include spanking, leather, bondage, sploshing, breeding kinks and more. They are truly expansive. 

A praise kink is when you are sexually aroused by praise. Literally hearing affirming things makes you hot and horny. 

Getting a compliment and feeling great about it is one thing, but being legit turned on is another. 

These kinks are centered on receiving positive affirmation as a part of your sexual or play experience. Unlike with humiliation kinks (where you say horrid things to the other person or are told horrid things), this kind is about saying nice stuff.

Kink play often has multiple layers. Praise is often an element of age - particularly Daddy/little girl dynamics. In age play, you and/or your partner pretend to be different ages. This usually involves one partner being the “older” person (the Dom) while the other partner (the sub) pretends to be younger. This dynamic is perfect for incorporating praise kinks. Think: Calling someone your “good little girl.”

Praise can be used in almost all Dom/sub dynamics, other than those that have a focus on humiliation. They’re an added, sexy layer that can intensify power play. 

Why praise is a turn on: According to science. 

Most of us can agree that being told we’re good, hot and pretty is freaking great, but why do some people get sexually aroused by affirming language? When we receive a compliment, our brains are flooded with the positive neurochemical dopamine. This is the reward chemical. 

For most, this dopamine rush just boosts the ego, but for praise kinksters, it goes a step further, spurring on the arousal process and creating a sexual response.

Praise kinks are expansive. They can be a form of foreplay, getting sex started long before the clothes come off.

Praise may well be a part of someone’s erotic template — meaning, it is an integral part in what turns someone on and brings them pleasure. 

While BDSM is often associated with darker and more pain-focused kinds of play - it can also be about lighter, nicer things, too. Humans are wild. 

How a praise kink manifests in a scene.

Praise kinks involve the sub being told affirming things by the dominant. They center on the metal aspects of consensual power exchange that is fundamental to the D/s dynamic. 

Some (super hot) examples of praise kink language: 

• “Good girl/boy/pet name” 

• “You look so sexy, I can’t wait to devour you later” 

• “You’re the best, keep going”

• You’re doing so well

While these can be a jumping off point, it really what works for you or your partner is going to vary. It’s all about what you want to hear.

Not all praise is about verbal affirmation. Praise can also be about actions like hugs, squeezes, pats, caresses or kisses. It’s about communicating how amazing the other person is.

How to give praise kinks a go to see if they work for you.

Communicate. 

All kink play needs to be thoroughly negotiated and consensual. This means sitting down and talking about your desires with your partner before any play takes place. This means being willing to be curious and vulnerable. After all, we’re all just trying to have positive sexual experiences.

Brainstorm together.

You can come up with the praise you like by working together to co-create a scene. 

Give it a try.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying compliments and affirmations. But do you enjoy them during sex? This is something you’ll find out as you go along. We don’t always know what we like until we give it a shot. Don’t forget to check in with your partner to make sure everyone is having a good time.

Get super specific.

This means thinking about what you want to hear or actions you’d like performed. Get creative with it. 

Remember to be kink and gentle.

Kink can be quite an emotionally tender place to be. With praise kinks, it can feel truly heavenly to hear all the things we wish someone would say to us. 

Lean into the love, joy and happiness that is praise. This kink can be very fun to play with, and it’s an easy one to try out. Be curious, stay open, communicate and have a good time.

XOXO GIGI

Part of this blog post originally appeared on InsideHook.