QUESTION: My partner and I have been wanting to try role playing for such a long time, but we’re not sure where to start. It all sounds like so “much,” you know? Any advice or tips on how to get started? I’m worried I’ll be so embarrassed that I’ll never want to do it again.

First of all, we need to do away with the idea that role playing won’t be awkward or embarrassing. It probably WILL be, especially the first (few) times. I mean, seriously, what about sex doesn’t come with some silliness? We all have to take the pressure off and realize that we’re awkward, freaky, perverts just trying to figure this whole sex thing out by trial and error. 

So, let that be the first piece of advice, boo. It probably will be a bit strange. You might even laugh a lot. But that’s GOOD. It makes it fun. Sex should always be fun. When you get more comfortable with whatever scene you’re doing, the silliness will wear off and you’ll start to get more into the sensuality of it all. Sex, like all things in life, takes practice. Role play is something that takes patience, curiosity, and a willingness to be creative. 

Let’s get to it. Here are 3 of my very best tips to be a filthy gorgeous role play pro.

First, what even is role play?

Role play is so many different things, but at its heart, it’s a game. In its classic form (a scene), you choose a character you want to be and your partner plays the complementary role.  The plumber to your bored housewife, the cat in a tree to your firefighter, the robber to your cop. There are so many different character setups to choose from that it would take me all day just to list out the ones I could think of without the help of Google.

The idea is to get totally into character. It’s almost like making your own porn. In fact, pretending to be in an erotic film might be the role play scene itself, who knows?! This is very much a “choose your own adventure” kind of sexual experience. That’s what makes it so glorious.

As anthropologist, Dr. Wednesday Martin points out in her book, Untrue, one of the main things that keeps a spark alive in monogamous relationships is novelty. Role play offers that taste of the unknown that we crave. Put simply, it is new. It’s something different. 

What’s more, role play is about fantasy. You might be asking: And are mine normal?? The short answer: Yes. A fantasy is just a collection of thoughts; of imagination.

Our brains have an infinite potential for concocting all kinds of scenes - from the mildly arousing to the absolutely filthy. We can think of the most elaborate scenarios, ones that can both elate and terrify us. The mind is a wild, untethered mess of our thoughts, feelings, images we’ve seen, experiences we’ve had, and more. Rational thinking rarely reigns supreme when we’re fantasizing. 

That’s why we role play, to bring some of that rich fantasy life into the everyday, in a safe and consensual way.

Tip 1: Figure out what your fantasies even are before you jump on in.

If you’re not quite sure what it is that turns you on currently or what could potentially turn you on, take some time to actually figure that out. 

It’s very normal to not have your erotic fantasies narrowed down. One minute you’re thinking about an ex, the next you’re thinking about hooking up with a celebrity, then you’re imagining your dream wedding, then you’re in a threesome, and then a bit of nothing, and then a threesome again. Like I’ve said, the mind is whack, man.

Step one is to pinpoint those suckers and decide what would be fun to try with your partner. Start by identifying a common theme or feeling. What is the thing that turns you on, the exact image? What comes to mind? It helps to view or read erotic material. Watch some porn, read erotica, listen to a sexy audio book. This will help you narrow down what works for you. 

Once you have a clear idea of a scene that gets you going, you can bring your partner in on the fun. 

Tip 2: Communicate and negotiate with your partner.

If you want to act out a fantasy a la role play, you have to have a chat - or a series of chats, really. There are lots of ways to talk about fantasy with your partner. Trust me, most of the time they will be very into it. Hearing what turns a partner on can be extremely erotic. 

Communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s the only way to get anything done. If you don’t talk about it, I can 100 percent assure you that it will NOT happen. OK?

Ask your partner what turns them on, too. What do they think about? What could the two of you do to get things a little hotter in the boudoir? You must be open and willing to explore your partner’s desires as well as your own.

Remember the suggestion to watch porn? You can also do that with your partner! This is a great way to gather inspiration or figure out a way to act out a scene that turns you both on. Take some time to negotiate a way that you can co-create a scene that will be sexy for both of you. 

If you can’t agree, try yours and then try theirs’ or visa versa. Honestly, you both might be surprised with how much you can learn from the other’s erotic fantasy life. What a time to be alive.

Tip 3: Push yourself out of your comfort zone and go for it.

OK. Let me be real. We fucking LOVE our comfort zones. Like love, love, love them. They are cozy and safe, and we don’t want to stray outside of them. When you’re role playing, you’re essentially knocking yourself out of the comfort zone with one, large push. You’re trying something entirely new. It’s a challenge (in a fun way) to the conventional ways in which you know yourself. Lean into it!

When you’re ready to try a role play scenario and put on your best dramatic impressions, start with something simple. Perhaps your partner is a handy-person who has come to fix the sink. Or, maybe you’re a police officer and your partner is a robber. You try to stop them from stealing, but become overwhelmed by your passion for each other. 

Whatever it is, keep it easy. Remember, it’s OK to laugh. Role play can be sexy, but also silly, especially when it’s new. Don’t take ourselves too seriously. It’s just a game, after all.

There is something nerve-wracking, but also super exciting and sexy about being on new sexual footing, especially if you’ve been together or married for a long time. It feels almost like a whole new sexual relationship and that’s because in a lot of ways it is. It’s a new thing, the novelty we crave and desire. Enjoy it and be willing to embrace it because that is what makes being a human being so delicious.

You may feel a little embarrassed, nervous, and silly -- but my guess would be turned on as well. Get you jollies, mate, and enjoy!

XOXO Gigi

This article is sponsored by VivaStreet.

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