QUESTION: My partner and I are looking for someone to have a threesome with … but we aren’t sure what the rules are. Can you help?

What on Earth Is a ‘Unicorn?’

A unicorn is a third person who comes into a threesome. This term usually refers to a cisgender female person or a bisexual person, but it applies to queer people and all relationships as well. They are the outside person entering into the couple’s domain to experience a triadic sexual experience.

Some people may adore the term ‘unicorn,’ and others may want to crawl out of their skin and light themselves on fire at the mere utterance of the word. It does not work for everyone.

Whether you love it or hate it, the important thing is that you treat someone like a human being deserving of sexual fulfillment and respect rather than as a sex doll who you can use and then toss out like garbage once you and/or your partner orgasm.

In the end, the word “unicorn” isn’t really the “base” issue, it’s how they are treated. And that brings us to the next point: the unicorn hunter.

What Is a ‘Unicorn Hunter?’

Unicorn hunters are couples who are searching for a third party to join them in bed and then GTFO. 

Unicorn hunters are people who don’t really care about the third person they’re having sex with. They just want to use them for their own sexual gratification. They believe that they, as the primary couple, are the only thing that matters. It’s gross, and no one has the right to act like an entitled asshole.

Unicorn hunters get a bad rep for good reason. The behavior indicates a general lack of respect - ignoring boundaries, treating someone like an object instead of a human, and just basically being kind of a shithead.

Five Tips on How to Respectfully Find a Third for a Threesome

Now, because it’s very important to not be a unicorn hunter, we asked some bonafide unicorns/thirds for their expert tips on how to approach someone for a threesome in a respectful manner.

1. Get to the roots of your desire for a threesome

Figure out the reasons you want this threesome in the first place. If it’s for joy of sexual adventure, curiosity, and a true desire to open up, go for it. But do so with care. Take time to research, read books (like “Open,” for examples), and take a workshop or two. 

There are a lot of resources out there and they can help you determine if this is something you actually want to pursue IRL. Often what we fantasize about is not the same IRL, and you have to be prepared for that.

2. Get clear about what you want

Many couples looking to find a third are heterosexual. And this can be a problem. Figure out what you want and don’t want before heading into this, because otherwise you’re going to find yourself in a sticky situation (and not in a good way).

3. Communicate and understand your boundaries, but be flexible

It’s OK to have boundaries. We all need those, right? But these should be flexible to a certain extent. It’s OK to have boundaries and desires, of course - but coming to a someone with a long-ass list of things they can and cannot do can make the experience hard to navigate - and sends a message that you care more about yourself then your third. 

Remember that consent, checking in, and being mindful of each other should be a part of the experience at every single turn.

And some of this means being able to take feedback. It’s important to be clear and communicative about your boundaries, desires, and to master the art of hearing “no” with grace.

4. Be respectful

Having a threesome that is ethically sound involves everyone having an equal say in what happens (or doesn’t happen) during the threesome. Everyone’s pleasure should be of equal priority. You third is a guest and should be treated with respect and care.

5. Have a plan for aftercare

Aftercare is when all parties convene and calm down after an intense sexual experience. This will look different for everyone, but it’s important that everyone feels safe, happy, and secure once the sex has ended.

Want to be a real class act? Order your third an Uber home after playtime, and walk them to the car.

XOXO GIGI

Part of this blog first appeared on TheBody.