Question: What exactly is graysexuality?

What does it mean to be graysexual? 

'Graysexual' is a term to describe people who identify as being on the asexual spectrum but don’t consider themselves to be strictly asexual. It's a spectrum, meaning they may experience sexual feelings in certain contexts. This often happens quite rarely. The term is intentionally broad to to include the people who fall somewhere between asexual and sexual.

They might experience sexual attraction once in a while, under certain circumstances or with certain partners, but largely don’t. The way your graysexuality will appear is very subjective and is entirely unique to you.

The difference between being gray and demi.

People who identify as demisexual describe only experiencing sexual attraction after they’ve formed a close (often committed) emotional bond with someone. This is different from only feeling sexual attraction on rare occasions. Demisexuality is really built out of context and usually means you need to have already formed a romantic attachment to someone in order to experience sexual attraction.

Both demi and gray fall on the ace-spectrum. In demisexuality, the person is experiencing secondary attraction. This means it is built out of the bond, rather than on more primary forms of attraction, such as physical traits. In graysexuality, you only experience sexual attraction sometimes, but this attraction isn't dependent on the bond with another person.

You might be graysexual if you experience sexual attraction only very rarely or under very specific circumstances.

Myths and misconeptions.

Many of the misconceptions around graysexuality are very much the same as those that aseual people deal with. It can be assumed that they really are sexual but that they’re 'going through a phase' or that they haven't found the right person yet. Despite these misconceptions, it's important to understand that both asexuality and graysexuality are sexual orientations.

Another myth that sometimes comes up is that people who are asexual or graysexual can’t enjoy sex under any circumstances. They actually can, and some graysexual people may even choose to seek out sexual touch. There is a difference between enjoying sex and not experiencing sexual attraction. Asexual and graysexual people may enjoy sex itself without experiencing sexual attraction.

Advice and resources.

Remember that you are valid and have every right to exist in the world just as you are. People are often cruel, but you deserve to be your true self. Surround yourself with friends and chosen family that affirm your identity. Remember that you do not need to stay in relationships where people deny who you are. Be brave in setting boundaries that feel healthy and authentic to you.

I strongly recommend checking out the Asexuality Network. They're doing amazing work and can provide a lot of helpful information. I also recommend following Asexual influencers on Instagram and TikTok. They really shed light on a lot of myths and misconceptions surrounding asexuality and the full spectrum of ace identities.

How graysexuality presents in relationships.

Graysexuallity often presents in relationships as rarely experiencing sexual attraction. This may look like not wanting to engage in sexual activities, only seeking sex out on rare occasions, or only engaging in solo sex. This can prove difficult if you're in a relationship with an allo-sexual person. If this is the case for you, I recommend seeking out a GSRD-accredited sex and relationships therapist (like me) to help you and your partner work through your relational issues and find workable solutions.

XOXO GIGI

Part of this blog post originally appeared as an interview with AskMen.