QUESTION: I’ve always desired having a partner call the shots in my relationship and for me to serve. Is this normal?

The Dom/sub dynamic is the foundation of all kinky relationships. The consensual giving and receiving of power are integral to making the play work. In the world of kink, there are many different ways that the Dominant/submissive roles can play out.

You have the classic leather Dom/sub, the Caregiver/little, the Master/slave, the Master/puppy, etc. This list isn’t exhaustive by any means. If you don’t know what some (or all) of the above relationships entail, don’t worry. The point is that there are varied ways people choose to engage in role-play within kink relationships.

In this vein, female-led relationships (FLR) are quite on the rise these days. Haven’t heard of it? Well, an FLR is one in which the female or femme partner calls all the shots.

And I do mean all the shots. 

This isn’t just a sexy thing, it’s an all-the-time thing. The female partner is in charge of everything in the relationship, from where a couple eats dinner to whether their partner can have access to their finances. It may sound pretty intense, but the people involved really enjoy it.

Let’s break down the psychology behind FLRs and why they can be so appealing to those who participate in them.

What Is an FLR?

Like a Master/slave dynamic in which the Master (or, in this case, Mistress) is in total control of the slave, an FLR “is similar to 24/7 BDSM relationships, in that the FLR is typically a full-time relationship style, not limited just to sexy times,” David Ley, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Insatiable Wives, told me in an interview. “In essence, in FLRs, the female partner steps into a dominant role, where sexuality is completely at her discretion, and the male takes a submissive role, submitting to her direction and control of their sexual relationship.”

And, like I mentioned, the female domination isn’t just in sex for many of the people in these dynamics. It can be much, much more encompassing of the couple’s shared life.

In a world rife with misogyny, we are very here for this kind of setup. “It’s flipping the societal heteronormative script for how MF [male/female] relationships manifest,” Zachary Zane, a cultural BICON,  sex columnist and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy, told me via email that it allows women and femme humans to assert their dominance in a way that is celebrated. Their male partners (usually cisgender men, but not always), enjoy the subjugation and genuinely take pleasure from being in service to their female partners.

How FLRs Work

There is no one-size-fits-all for any kind of relationship, and this includes kink. So, how an FLR functions will vary from person to person and couple to couple. What does stand true in all of them is that the female partner is the leader, which means the male partner is the submissive all the time, in every aspect of life.

FLRs usually consist of all (or a mix of) the following elements:

• Household chores, cooking, and management.

• Childcare.

• Financial submission.

• Sexual submission and/or sexual non-monogamy.

Jake,* 54, says that his dynamic with his now–ex-wife consisted mostly of household chores and financial control. “I worked and did household chores. I would assist and do dishes,” he told after I sent out a call to all my baby subs on Twitter. “In the beginning, I did not have a bank account. When I sold my apartment and moved in with her, I transferred my $90,000 into her account. She soon got tired of giving me [an] allowance for groceries and gave me my own ATM card, but I never spent [money] without clearing it with her first.”

Sexually, Ley tells me that these relationships can be consensually non-monogamous, in the form of cuckolding and hotwifing. But this isn’t always the case. Some FLRs are monogamous, with the female partner asserting dominance in other ways. An “FLR is sometimes associated with the female partner using strap-on toys to peg her male partner, though this varies across different relationships.” Ley says. “Often, men in FLRs also wear chastity cages of some form.” A chastity cage is a form of bondage that goes around the penis and/or scrotum to prevent erections.

The Benefits of FLRs

The biggest thing people get out of this is the power exchange. It is an immersive psychological experience that fulfills different, but complementary, needs of the Dom and sub. It’s the need to have control and the desire to relinquish it. “The most appealing part [was] being kind [and] bringing happiness to my wife,” Jake says. “She liked making decisions, and I liked that she liked it.”

For the Dom (the female partner), they truly enjoy the control and power they have. “They like being able to make choices,” Zane says. “FLRs have a level of female autonomy that often isn’t in many other typical heteronormative relationships. It can be very fun, rewarding, and empowering to have your partner ‘serve’ you, however that may look.”

Professional kinkster Mistress Kye, who has maintained some level of FLR in her own life, explains that there is an element of nurturing and guidance that she has found appealing. She gravitates toward these relationships because “providing safety and security are the core elements of dynamics of FLR [for me].”

For the sub, there is a need to give up power and to be controlled. They derive joy from this free exchange. “There’s enjoyment in relinquishing control and not having to make harder decisions,” Zane explains. “You get off (both sexually and platonically) by seeing your female partner satisfied.”

Ness Cooper, a clinical sexologist and sex and relationship coach, told me that some people who are truly, deeply driven by the psychological need for these relationships come to view them as an inherent part of their sexual identity. It isn’t just behavior, it is integral to who they are as sexual beings. “When they try to move away from this relationship style, they feel deeply unhappy,” she explains.

For those who choose to live their lives in a female-led way, they derive a lot of pleasure from it. There is nothing wrong with living your life exactly as you want to, as long as everyone is an enthusiastic, consenting adult. “We’ve been societally conditioned that those roles should be reversed—that the man is the leader and the woman is the support system, in a secondary role,” Kye says. “For [me and my partner], that would have imploded because neither of us would have been truly fulfilled or happy.”

No dynamic is perfect for everyone, but whatever works for you deserves to be celebrated.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

XOXO GIGI

Part of this article originally appeared on InsideHook.