QUESTION: I'm concerned my long-term partner no longer finds me attractive. We have still have sex a few times each week but ever since we went into this pandemic, it's always in the middle of the night when he's woken up randomly DTF. We’ve talked about it and he says it's just because he's stressed and tired all the time. Should I be worried that the only time my partner wants to have sex in the pitch dark at 3am?

Alright, hun. Let’s get real about what’s happening here and try to find some answers together.

The problem isn't that he wants to have sex in the middle of the night, the problem is that it bothers you. If you were all for getting busy in the middle of the night and so was he, there wouldn't be an issue. That's the place to explore with your partner. You want to feel like he wants you during daylight hours. So explain that to him.

There are plenty of ways to compromise around this. Usually when we're having sex, pleasure and orgasms are only a piece of the puzzle. We have sex for lots of reasons - to feel desired, to feel closer to our partners, to make our partners feel desired, to give pleasure, and to receive it. This is by no means an exhaustive list. Ask yourself this: What do I get out of sex? Why do I seek out sex?

It seems to be that the biggest thing is the need to feel wanted. This is where some juicy compromise can come in. If your partner is stressed and tired during the day and isn't in the mood for sex, what can he do to ensure that he is making you feel sexy? Maybe he can increase physical affection; intimate hugs, kisses on the back of the neck, holding hands - these go a long way. Perhaps you'd benefit from verbal affirmations; If he thinks you smell wonderful, he should say so; if you're looking particularly hot today, he should let you know. These things can help us meet the same needs we get from sex.

Now, if you want to get sexy during the day and he's not up for it, there are also ways around that. Invite him into the bedroom to watch you masturbate. He can either watch-only or assist in some way (he could caress your thighs, suck on your nipples etc.) Find some erotic material you like - it can be erotica, porn (check out female-focused pornographers like PinkLabelTV or FrolicMe), or anything else that turns you on. If smut (however classy) is not your jam, maybe he could tell you a sexy story. Sex is not relegated to intercourse and your partner doesn't need to do a bunch of heavy lifting to have a completely satisfying experience.

The point: Get curious about what makes you tick and open the floor for mutual exploration.

XOXO GIGI

This article originally appeared as an interview with Men’s Health.