QUESTION: What’s the deal with degradation and humiliation during sex? Because is really turns me on, but it’s confusing to be into being told what a piece of shit I am, right?

Being humiliated in non-sexual scenarios is a huge driving force behind a lot of our anxieties. We loathe being embarrassed or made to feel small. It fucking sucks. 

But in sex, it can feel like the opposite. BDSM often is a safe place to work through and play with our biggest fears and anxieties. It’s a way to take back a bit of control in a world that can feel like pure chaos. Humiliation during sex is at its core, about making embarrassment and shame into something hot.

Making shame sexy. Who knew?

If you’re feeling a bit ~titillated~, you’re certainly in good company. This practice is huge in the kink world. In a study of cis-gendered women affiliated with the kink community, almost 43 percent enjoyed verbal abuse or humiliation and almost 26 percent enjoyed humiliating their partner in the same way. Erotic humiliation can be enjoyed by anyone, of any gender, of any sexual orientation.

Let’s explore what humiliation really is in BDSM and why people are so wild about it.

What humiliation play is in a kink context.

Humiliation play is incorporating humiliation into your sexual and/or BDSM practice.

You literally become sexually aroused by being degraded.

OK, a quick refresher on what BDSM is — because if we don’t understand this aspect, humiliation play makes zero sense. BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline/Dominance, Submission, Masochism. This kind of play hinges on consensual powerplay wherein the Dominant partner leads and the submissive partner follows. 

In the context of erotic humiliation, the powerplay is focused on degradation. The Dom humiliates the sub in a safe and consensual way.

Humiliation can be a part of all BDSM dynamics. It’s about the intention. It’s an act within the play itself. It may be present in:

• Psychological kink play

• Such as verbal insults/degrading language

• Punishments and painplay

• Such as spankings, being tied up, slapped, or spit on.

• Role play

• Such as classic Dom/sub leather dynamics, Human/animal play, Caregiver/little (Daddy/little girl, Mommy/little boy etc.) 

Why do people crave humiliation during sex?

We’re into humiliation during sex for many reasons. Because humans are hella complicated.

Shameful messages around sex.

When we learn that sex is shameful, we begin to have shame around desire. Despite this negative messaging, we still have sexual feelings. We’re human, after all. When our natural feelings are coupled with the messaging that sex is wrong and shameful, it can it can create an association because being turned on and feeling shame. Hence, the whole humiliation kink.

Of course, we also have deeply personal insecurities that play into this. For example, if you’re insecure about your penis size, you may enjoy small-penis humiliation play. Your turn-on comes from your shame being eroticized. 

Giving up control.

Additionally, embracing erotic humiliation can be an act of surrender for the submissive partner. Completely giving your power over to a Dom is a big part of being fully immersed in powerplay. 

Often, humiliation play is a way to let go of control, when your real life demands otherwise.

Building intimacy.

Ironically, being humiliated during sex can actually be used to deepen your bond with your partner. To engage in such a highly emotive form of play suggests a relationship that is deeply steeped in trust.

Safety and consent are key to safe play.

As with all sexual play, safety and consent are absolutely essential to playing in an ethical and enjoyable way. Remember, just because the play is centered around degradation doesn’t mean we’re looking to harm one another. Enthusiastic consent is a must. If it isn’t a hell yeah, it’s a hell no.

Humiliation play looks different for everyone. You want to be clear on what you want and how you want it, so that everyone has the opportunity to play in a way that feels safe and pleasurable for them.

I hope you learned something valuable in all of this. It’s so fun to write about these wild and exciting topics. Don’t judge others, have fun, and go have the sex you want to be having. If it’s all between consenting adults, it’s all good. 

XOXO GIGI

Part of this blog originally appeared on Mashable.