Is your relationship codependent?
Question: How do you know if your relationship is codependent? Is it possible to fix it?
What Is a Codependent Relationship? … and what causes codependence?
A codependent relationship refers to when one partner completely relies on their partner for emotional and physical fulfillment. The other partner often feels the need to be needed. Within this context, partners can fall into a cycle wherein one partner relies heavily on the other and visa versa.
Codependence shouldn't be confused with coregulation. Co regulation is when partners exist within a secure, solid attachment, wherein partners are each other's secure base. This is different from codependence because within a secure attachment, partners are able to differentiate and grow as individuals. The relationship provides a secure base for personal development, rather than a means to stay stuck in a context of total dependence - which can hinder growth.
Some signs to look out for.
You rely on your partner as your sole means of validation.
This looks like wanting your partner to constantly reassure you -- and they are the only means of assurance that has any meaning for you. If you find that you are unable to calm your emotions without your partner's reassurance and validation, this could be a sign you're in a codependent cycle.
You don't make time for relationships outside of your partnership.
If you're spending nearly 100% of your free time with your partner and aren't nurturing your relationships with family and friends, this is a sign you're in a codependent relationship. Take stock of the time you're spending together -- both the quantity and the quality. Make time for other relationships and seek out multiple forms of nurturing so that it isn't solely your partner's job to give you fulfillment.
You feel overwhelmed and anxious when you don't hear from your partner.
When we rely entirely on our partners for our nervous system regulation, it can be easy to spiral out when we don't get a text or call back right away. If you find your heart racing and thoughts spiraling, this is a sign you're dealing with an anxious attachment style and likely this is agitated by codependence. Learn to regulate your nervous system by concentrating on your breath, journaling, and going to therapy to get to the root of your anxiety.
Working through codependence isn’t easy, but it is possible.
There are no quick fixes for a codependent relationship. You really do need the assistance of a professional to help you work out your patterns and find workable solutions. Codependence is built within the context of the relationship and often takes outside help in order to break the cycles and move forward.