Question: I get so, so wet during sex and it’s embarrassing. I’ve had a few guys make comments. Is there medication I can take? Is this normal? I feel really self-conscious.

Use lube, don’t use lube. You’re too dry, you’re too wet, you’re never the right level of wet. We can’t really win. Vaginal wetness is just one of the many things people misunderstand about vaginas (and vulvas). Most people know the vulva “should” get wet, but no one really knows how much. If you don’t get wet enough, you’re broken. If you get too wet, you’re broken.

I mean, can the vulva and vagina ever get a break?

Of course, this is only the tip of this shame-laden iceberg. If you own a vulva—or know, love, or care about someone who owns a vulva—you’re likely quite familiar with the derogatory way in which the vulva is labeled.

Off the top of my head, here are a few of the damaging myths that come to mind: Vaginas smell like fish, vulvas are ugly, vulvas have gross discharge, vaginas are generally just disgusting. This list is by no means exhaustive, but it does offer some depressing insight into how the world views the vulva. If you have a vulva, it’s unlikely you’ve been unscathed by these widely held beliefs.

The impacts on mental health and well-being are incalculable. To be told you’re gross, deformed, broken, and undeserving of pleasure—one of our fundamental human rights—is downright wrong. The only thing that is gross about the vagina/vulva is the unfair reputation it’s been given.

But I digress. Let’s focus on wetness—because there are some things that need to be cleared up so that we can all have more confidence and orgasms.

The Importance of Vaginal Wetness in Sex (and Beyond)

Let’s get something straight here: A wet vagina is a good thing. It is crucial for comfortable and pleasurable sexual experiences.

The glands in your cervix and vaginal canal secrete liquid during arousal to help prepare it for penetration. It is a protective bodily response designed to make sex better. Wetness “eliminates friction in the vagina, which could lead to small micro-tears which leave you susceptible to all sorts of germs and bacteria,” explains Taylor Sparks (she/her), erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, one of the largest online organic intimacy shops.

It is absolutely essential.

And lubrication is much more than a response to arousal. The vagina is powerful and is constantly doing what it needs to do to stay healthy. Daily vaginal wetness is “the body’s mechanism—similar to saliva, body odor, and other bodily functions—[that] serves many purposes,” Moushumi Ghose (she/her), MFT, a licensed sex therapist, tells TheBody.

Vaginal fluids can include vaginal/vulva sweat (yes, you have sweat glands down there just like everywhere else on the body), milker fluid (cervical fluid, which aids in ovulation), and regular vaginal discharge. All of these are perfectly normal. In fact, they are good things.

Vaginal discharge helps move harmful bacteria (like those that cause bacterial vaginosis) out of the vaginal ecosystem. So even if you’re not in a sexual situation, vaginal wetness may still occur. And this is perfectly OK.

Why Some Folks May Be “Wetter” Than Others

There are many reasons why someone might be wetter than another person. Simply put: People’s bodies are different and respond in different ways. Wetness can depend on “hormones, hydration [level], arousal, time of the month (i.e., ovulating or not), or whether or not you’re pregnant,” Sparks tells TheBody.

It’s important to understand that wetness doesn’t always occur when you’re sexually aroused. Some people may not become wet at all, become only slightly wet, or get very, very wet. There is drastic variation. “Wetness ebbs and flows in our lifetime as well. Wetness can be great for penetrative sex, and for conception as it helps the sperm travel to the ovaries,” Ghose says.

How the Damaging Message of Being “Too Wet” Can Impact Mental Well-Being

If you feel you get “too wet,” there’s really nothing wrong with you. This is likely an internalized message rooted in misogyny and sexual shame. If you’re conditioned to believe that you should only be “the right amount of wet” (and what constitutes the “right” amount is, of course, unclear), then any amount of wetness could easily feel like too much. We are systematically conditioned to believe our genitals are gross and broken. If this sounds a bit intense, well, that’s because it is.

Given all of this BS, it’s not exactly shocking that people with vulvas might feel really anxious or depressed about their wetness levels. Sparks says that some vulva-owners might worry their partner’s penis or toy will “slip out” due to their wetness or might make a mess of their sheets. This can negatively impact your ability to fully enjoy sexual experiences, as anxiety and stress are instant libido-killers.

Here is the tea: When it comes to sex, the wetter the better. That’s why I, as a certified sex educator, recommend every single person with a vulva have a high-quality lubricant on their nightside table at all times.

Wet = good.

Distress about discharge can also happen in non-sexual situations. “During other times, [it] can be a source of distress, mostly because we associate wetness with arousal, but also because it’s just plain uncomfortable to be gushing and wet when you are just going about your day-to-day business,” Ghose says.

If you feel self-conscious about regularly soaking your panties while waiting in line for Starbucks, you can always wear a simple panty liner. If this makes you feel more confident and comfortable in your body, there’s nothing wrong with that.

The takeaway message we all deserve is this: You are normal just the way you are. Some vaginas get very wet, some don’t. They are all normal and wonderful. Let’s try to internalize this positivity and replace the old messaging that tries to paint us as “less than.”

It’s tired. And we’re over it.

XOXO GIGI

This article originally appeared on TheBody.

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