QUESTION: I can’t orgasm and there seem to be way too many things going on in my head to figure it out. What is the deal and how do I fix it?

The barriers to orgasm we often ignore or don’t understand.

A recent Cosmo survey found that of the things stopping (2,000+) respondents from having more orgasms:

• 39% say it was down to their partner

• 30% say it was due to body confidence

• 26% say it was because of sex drive

• 16% say it was because of their mental health.

There are several things that could be at play with the "due to a partner" response. It could be that they aren't providing the correct stimulation the person needs, the person doesn't feel safe with their partner, or they expect their partner to know what they like without ever saying what they like. The key really is communication - and this responsibility falls on both partners. Both people should be advocating for themselves and their partner's pleasure in a kind, empathetic way. This creates an atmosphere of exploration and joy rather than discomfort. 

Increasing confidence during sex in order to take back agency.

Learning what you like during sex is a big part of confidence during sex. The only real way to do that is through masturbation - a radical act of self-love that has the power to give people, specifically women and those raised female, ownership over their bodies in a society that constantly tells us our bodies are not our own, but rather vessels for the orgasms of other people - heterosexual men, specifically, but the message spans relationship configurations.

Women and vulva-owners like sex just as much as any other person, but, as Dr. Karen Gurney points out in her book Mind The Gap, people who experience lower desire aren’t less pleasurably inclined. Their low desire results from the TYPE of sex they’re having. When you don’t like the sex you’re having, you’re not going to want to have more it.

Understanding “sex drive” and ways to communicate lack of desire.

This is a tricky question to answer because sex is not an innate human "drive." It is not like eating or sleeping - you won't die without orgasms (even though you might feel that way). The misnomer comes from the similar feelings we have when we feel sexually aroused - it feels like a human, animalistic hunger - but it isn't. 

There are two types of horniness and we only ever hear about one: Spontaneous desire. The other kind of horniness, Responsive (or Receptive) desire is much more common, especially in vulva-owners and women.

What's really important to understand about female desire (and male desire, too, actually) is that in most cases it isn’t spontaneous - it's responsive (also referred to as "receptive"). 

“Horniness” is triggered by an event, erotic imagery, a fantasy, a smell that reminds us of that one time in Cabo, etc. There is an activating event in the brain that then triggers the brain to send signals to the genitals to become aroused. These messages are circular - the brain talks to the spine, which talks to the genitals, which talk to the spine, which talks to the brain and so on. Sexual desire is a bio-psycho-social event.

For desire to occur, we need the right number of factors to be in play: Bio (our body) needs to be receptive to arousal; psycho (our mind) needs to be in a mindset that allows for desire (ie: feeling calm, relaxed, in our bodies, sexy etc); and the social aspects (the relationship with the person(s) involved in the sexual encounter) need to be in place - we need to be with people we find attractive, feel safe with, who know how to please us sexually and so on. 

Horniness isn't some “random” thing for the vast majority of female-bodied people. It develops out of a culmination of a bunch of different factors embedded in our environment, our bodies, and the people involved in sex. It requires a bunch of different dominos to line up to get the game going in the first place.

This is why we need to shift away from the word "drive" and instead use something more neutral like "libido" or "sexual desire." It sends the incorrect message that prioritizes the way many penis owners (but not all!) experience desire, and leaves women without a leg to stand on. No wonder the vast majority of us have the message "I'm broken" playing over and over again in our heads. We don't even have the right language to understand our own sexual desire.

XOXO Gigi

This article originally appeared as an interview with HuffPo.

Order the book: All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life.